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07 March 2013 @ 10:18 pm
of burnt cigarettes and lost paradises; a kaoru/toshiya fanfic  
Title: Of burnt cigarettes and lost paradises
Pairings: broken kaoru&toshiya
Rating: G
Words: 1.325
Summary: "You're cheating on him."
Disclaimer: fiction, i don't own anything but the writing.
Comments: i don't even know what is this.
it literally wrote itself and it's not betaed and it probably kind of sucks.
its just, not going to lie.
it's good to write again, i missed it.

comments are loved. ♡

“You’re cheating on him.”

His words, straight and sharp like one thousands of daggers pass through me, and I move uncomfortable on my seat, fidgeting.

It’s the truth, after all. But there’s always something so heart-breaking about truths being sputtered on your face like that.

I scratch the stubble of my chin, and I avoid looking at him, and he knows, so I feel his deep, dark eyes looking at me, looking beyond me, and I move on my seat again, the fake, tacky leather protesting under me.

Fuck my life.

“Y-Yeah… Well…” I try to speak and I hear him chuckle, darkly and I stop in the middle of my tracks, finally looking up at him.

Everytime I look at Kyo, I never know what he’s thinking, what he’s feeling. About me, or about anyone.
And right here and there, I feel like he’s judging me, or maybe like he’s making fun of me, but what I’m completely sure is that he’s about to snap, sit up and slap the fuck out of my face.
I saw his anger before, over small things and more serious ones, tempered discussions and more physical fights. I’ve seen his anger over me, and over other people, and many times, I’ve seen his anger to himself. And as I scan his face in front of me, in the rather dark and busy café we are sitting in, once again; I see his anger so clear. In every corner of his face, in the way his jaw tightens and relaxes, the way the expression lines of his face appear and disappear.

It’s just then that I realize that I’ve poured my secrets to the wrong person.

Goddamit, I should have known better.

It’s Kyo and him. Those two, they always had adored each other. Like siblings, or like past lovers that had loved each other more than I will ever love him, than anyone will love him.
And I know what Kyo’s thoughts are. He’s thinking why, from all people, I’m doing this to Toshiya. He’s thinking why, having his love I’m taking it for granted like this.

And all I’m thinking and wishing is that he actually doesn’t get to ask me.
Because I have no answer to give to him.

“Why.” He states, he doesn’t ask, and I feel a sigh leaving my throat, leaning against the couch behind me as I’ve been defeated, a million dollar wound without a real prize after it.

“I-I… I don’t know.” How the mighty has fallen, even I feel the urge to laugh at myself. But Kyo doesn’t find it funny, and he’s clenching his jaw close so tightly, I think his teeth are going to lose the battle against his jaw.

“You’re an asshole.”
I want to laugh and ask him to tell me something I don’t already know, but I appreciate my life enough for not messing with Kyo at this very moment, and I fell silent, my eyes suddenly finding the surface of the table really interested, how a stain of coffee seemed to be there, forgotten to be cleaned by the morning.

But the truth is not going to fade away like that.
I’m still cheating on Toshiya. Lanky, long limbed and beautiful Toshiya. With his bright eyes and his warm laugh, and that weird accent he hadn’t rid of even if he had lived in Tokyo for half of his life already.

I don’t know why I’m cheating on him.
I don’t know why, even if I’m blessed with his love, I’m ruining it like this.

Kyo clicks his tongue and takes me away from the trail of my thoughts, one of his tattooed fingers point at me, the ink giving it depth, giving it somehow a new level of superiority.

“Talk to him. Tell him. Tell him the truth.” He’s threatening me and I know he’s not joking and even though I open my mouth to talk, he keeps speaking. “If he’s stupid enough for forgiving you, then God bless him. That poor fool, he has always been too good for his own good.” His finger finally falls, as he doesn’t need it anymore, but he’s still looking at me. “But if he doesn’t, and you don’t leave him alone, I swear to everything that’s holy that I will find you, and we will redefine the concept of pain.”

He falls silent and I simply look at him, analysing his words with a lump in my throat and he raises an eyebrow and tilts his head.
And then he smiles and I don’t think I’ve seen something so terrifying in my entire life.

“Am I making myself clear?”

I can just nod and he smiles again, and then he simply starts moving. He throws some coins to the table, enough for paying his coffee and part of mine, and he gets up from his own couch, bundling himself up in layers of scarves and sweaters and leaving the café and leaving me, speechless and stunned.

He didn’t give me any piece of advice, or maybe, he gave me the last one I wanted to hear.


Toshiya and I talked a very humid day in the middle of August.

We talked.

And just by thinking of it, I feel my heart shattering in a million pieces. I would take Kyo’s anger anytime, anywhere over Toshiya’s pain, always.

That pain written on those beautiful and warm eyes looking at me with disbelief.

“You’re cheating on me.”

And I feel like the story is repeating itself and he’s asking me questions I can’t answer.
And he’s crying, hot and thick tears rolling down his skin, the tips of his fingers shivering as he moves them to wipe them off.
And I want to get closer to him but he moves away and I see him fighting against a million demons at the same time, and I know that all the demons he’s fighting against have the same face. Mine.

“Leave me alone.”

And he walks away, ridiculously tall and painfully skinny, all those long limbs clinging to him, desperate to get a grip of himself and I stay there until his body started to be smaller and smaller, and he became a dark, black point in the distance.

The day I last saw Toshiya was a really hot day, with the heat weaving over the asphalt and the tall buildings of Ikebukuro as I’m making my way back home.


Many years had passed since I saw him, and I can swear with my hand over my heart that I’ve never felt summer like that.

I found Kyo once, and I told him because I was drunk and lonely and I spent the last months seeing the long tips of Toshiya’s hair everywhere, my heart craving for his own, reaching for it in the sea of anonymous people, the endless crowd.

When I tell Kyo about it, he laughs and I know he’s laughing about me, about my misery and I know I deserve it.

I want to ask for Toshiya, I want to cry out for help, I want to beg for redemption.

But before I can say anything, Kyo is speaking again; hidden behind a wall of smoke of the cigarette he has just lightened.

“It was for making it up, you know. For the cold inside your soul.”

And that time, it’s me the one he starts laughing, but maybe I just burst into sobs, I will never know.

Kyo gets up from his chair and leaves, eventually and I stay where I am for what it seems like hours, mourning and pitying me and missing even more the feel of Toshiya’s hair against my fingers.
And before I notice, my phone is unlocked and a mail is written.
But I know, I will never have the heart to send it.

“For having a love like yours,
and wasting it away.

I’m really sorry.”
Current Mood: lazylazy
andrew_in_drag: despotandrew_in_drag on March 8th, 2013 06:44 pm (UTC)
Heyyyy I'm so glad you're writing again! Welcome back!!

Toshiya and I talked a very humid day in the middle of August.

I really, really love the way you set up the atmosphere of the summer, so make sure I don't accidentally steal that line from you. That was so perfect for me. Your Kyo was awesome as well. You said such a lot about him with so few words! I always love reading Kyo, but so many people write him so over the top, so this was great. Cool, understated Kyo.
breathplaying★: pic#120317556aibashi on March 8th, 2013 07:00 pm (UTC)
;AAAA; thank youuuu!!
it feels good to be writing again! and i have to admit it's because of your wonderful writing as well, it has inspired me over this fic while i was writing it.

coming for you, that's a huge compliment. i love kyo. i find him terribly interesting and deep and i always wanted to write him, but he's also a bit mystery, so it's hard for daring to do it.
but i'm quite satisfied with how this ended up to be after all, haha. really refreshing after the idk years? i spent without writing.

thank you so much for your comment, really! ♡
andrew_in_drag: despotandrew_in_drag on March 9th, 2013 01:54 am (UTC)
Aw wow, I'm so flattered that I managed to inspire somebody!

That's such an awesome feeling. Thank you!

Also, I'm with you 100% on Kyo. You can write him so many different ways but actually...for me, he's a really addictive character. I find it more of an effort to write anybody else now, because his voice is starting to come very naturally. Which is good AND bad I guess!
breathplaying★: pic#120792685aibashi on June 16th, 2013 04:16 pm (UTC)
did i never get to reply to this?!?!
ugh, sorry.

i guess it's practice, the more you write the more you will feel at ease with certain characters and the more you feel like you're grasping them, right?
VanillaMint: toxicvmnoneko on March 10th, 2013 02:15 pm (UTC)
Oh, I absolutely loved this piece you wrote(even though it broke my heart with kaoru cheating on toshiya).
But at least...at least Kaoru told him the truth...and at least Toshiya had a friend like Kyo...
Thanks for posting^^! Please write more~
breathplaying★: pic#120792685aibashi on June 16th, 2013 04:16 pm (UTC)
sorry for the super late reply!
i will write more!
cadkitten: die sexcadkitten on March 13th, 2013 12:20 am (UTC)
Wow, it's achingly painful. Thank you for sharing with us on direngrey_yaoi <3
breathplaying★: pic#112979472aibashi on June 16th, 2013 04:16 pm (UTC)
i'm sorry this came too late!
but it was my pleasure~