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09 October 2010 @ 05:37 pm
Title: nothing but words
Disclaimer: not mine.
Rating: G
Pairing: Kaoru&Toshiya
Word count: 1006
Summary: We sometimes slept at each other’s places but there wasn’t any physical contact either, you slept at the side of your bed and I slept in mine and our bodies, unconsciously; kept a prudent distance from each other’s and we end up sleeping like we were two brothers sharing a hotel bed.
Comment: This is inspired in a rp I am actually in, in a more drama, Toshiya-emo way xD isn’t as bas as this ;p

As always, comments are appreciated.
I wrote this really late and it’s not beta-readed so I am sorry for my lack of grammar and all the wrong things this fic may have, also the end sucks, yaaaaaaaaaay

“I would rather have a relationship without sex, than sex without a relationship.”

When we confessed to each other and we started to talk about the relationships we were in, the kind of relationships we liked and all those diverse feelings, you told me that, like a statement and I had it always in my head, never forgetting about it. You’ve never been with a man, and I didn’t want to push you and freak you out, so I took things really really slow, anything for making you feel confortable, for making you stay with me but I don’t know why, at some point; I started to feel really upset, unhappy even if you were there.

I would call you love of my life without any doubt, actually, no matter how chessy or child like may actually sound; but I waited for you almost ten years ‘till you confesed back, you can call it stupidness I rather want to call it love, so that makes you the love of my life.
The first months after we… talked over our feelings, I was so happy about the fact that you might have feelings for me that I didn’t realize about the fact that there was no physical contact, like, no physical contact at all. But since I was so happy and there was you and me, and a lot of moments together, I never bought the conversation up.

A few months later, everything was more or less the same, I talked to you a bit desperate saying that if I was into a relationship, I wanted to be a relationship, it wasn’t really about sex anymore, it was about creating a atmosphere of intimacy that we really didn’t have. Sure, I told you that I liked you and I believe every word you said to me, and I believe that you care for me, but relationships are not about words, they don’t work only with feelings, they need a lot of stuff more and sadly the intimacy is a kind of big ingredient needed.

We talked over it, and you promised you were going to try and as always I believed you because there was nothing in my life I wanted as much I wanted to be with you, so I nodded and played the understanding role, really believing that sooner or later, in fact actually hoping that sooner, you will going to change and our relationship was going to become a real relationship some when.
A few other couple months went by and things didn’t change much since the last time we talked. The intimacy atmosphere was kind of inexistent, and the physical contact wasn’t really better, sometimes I could be brave and put my hand on your knee or your leg for a while, but you kinda seemed uncomfortable and I moved it away; we kissed, sometimes but I can’t really remember a kiss that lasted more than 30 seconds.

I never talked to you about, in fact I never talked to everyone about it, but I was a bit disappointed, maybe inside my infatuated mind I built a personality or habits that maybe weren’t yours, but after ten years of pure observation, attention and admiration I thought that you were actually a pretty active person, you could call it rough but you in real were nothing like that and I was so scared of freaking you out of upset you to make you change it.

In some point, I started to feel desperate.
I talked with some friends and all of them came to the same conclusion. ‘Maybe he has feelings for you, but I don’t think he’s gay.’ I tried to explain them that it wasn’t like that, but they found it a very weird situation.
The total lack of sex, or any sexy situation general made me feel grumpy and upset, really upset and even if you kept asking if something was wrong I just couldn’t never bring that conversation up.

In the middle of my despair and your oblivioness we’ve reached the year and nothing had changed. We sometimes slept at each other’s places but there wasn’t any physical contact either, you slept at the side of your bed and I slept in mine and our bodies, unconsciously; kept a prudent distance from each other’s and we end up sleeping like we were two brothers sharing a hotel bed.

The kisses didn’t get any better, nothing larger than 40 seconds, nothing really too rough or too passionate either, at the beginning it was okay because it was you but I wasn’t happy, I started to feel jumpy everytime and jealous against any couple or person who shared feelings against each other, but anyway, I never talked to you about it, it hurts me and it desperates me but there’s no way I can bring it to you, I think some part of myself thinks that you will end up noticing and will change it and other darker, maybe more realistic part of myself thinks that actually you don’t have deep feelings towards me, that’s why our relationship isn’t… well, a relationship.

Sometimes while we slept, I woke up and stare at you, I don’t think there’s a person that changes as much as you do when you sleep. You’re beautiful. It’s not that you’re not beautiful when you are awake, of course you are but when you are sleeping, you seem so peaceful, there’s no worry, those little wrinkles around your eyes disappears and you don’t have that constant frown in your eyes, it really costs me all my willpower for not to jump over you, then my fear gets over me again and I move, to our prudent, distant bed position and I stare at you while lying on my side.

“I wish this relationship could be something more than words.”

I whisper, smiling with the satisfaction that you never heard me saying that, and I close my eyes dreaming about the day when maybe, our relationships becomes something more.
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