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09 October 2010 @ 05:03 pm
title: No, It isn't.
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me.
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Kaoru/Toshiya
Rating: G
Comments: i'm just posting all the fics i wrote here so i could make a decent archive and have it all together♥

Please understand
This isn't just goodbye
This is "I can't stand you"
This is where the road crashed into the ocean
It rises all around me
And now we're barely breathing
A thousand faces will choose to ignore


How can you tell me, "understand it. Toshiya." After knowing that you hate me that much, after hearing you talking with die about how much I annoy you, how you can't work with me because I am near. I could hear the "i can't stand him, Die" and after that, after I did hear and run and you came to explain. The only thing you could say was

"Understand. This isn't just a goodbye."

And you left.

Fuck you. I hate you for being senseless and selfish. I hate you for saying that you can't stand me and that you can't work with me. I hate you for kick me out from your life.. and for not giving me the chance to explain.


Curse my enemies for ever
Let's slit our wrists and burn down something beautiful
This desperation leaves me overjoyed
With fading lights that lead us pass the lives that we destroyed


I pack my things and left your apartament as soon as I could. And I felt like my heart shattered. I mean, really broken. Not that teenage stupid feeling of heart-breaking. I mean when you feel you can't breath... I feel the most desperate feeling, I never feel like this before.
Do I really deserve this? Just because you can't stand me?
I am going back home and looking at the city with his night lights. It's like they are fadind and I feel the pain in my chest because I am sure that I don't know how to live without you. I am destroying myself while wondering what are you doing now or if you feel like breaking too.


I listen to you cry
I cry for less attention
But both my hands are tied
And I'm pushed into the deep end


weeks pass as they are days, or minutes. I try to take you attention but it just gets things wrong. I can't stop crying, when I am back home and stare at all that things we share, we made, we built together. and now they are fading and crushing and I feel like my hands are tied because I just can't make nothing to fix them.

I can't run to you and beg for your forgiveness because you will laugh at me. I can't get over it, because you meant a lot of things to me, a lot of feelings and memories, which can't be forgotten in days, in weeks, in years...

Will you be the one to understand?

I am falling down and close to my own deep end.


I listen to you talk, but talk is cheap
My mouth is filled with blood from trying not to speak
So search for an excuse, and someone to believe you
And for interesting moves I'm empty with the need to


And then, a few weeks later, a some good looking girl came to the studio. When I saw her, I don't know. I thought he was, kyo's new flirt or.. a friend of shinya or whoever. I never thought she was going to ask for you. But she does.

She walks inside with the most arrogant look in her face and looks around like she does own the world. You're not in the room, so finally she gives up and asks.

"It's kao over there...?"

Kao? My heart jumps in pain and sorrow. I stare at her. She's young, and beautiful and with long legs. Cute smile, so different for mine.

Die hurries to ask her "He's talking with inoue-san. he will be back soon I think." and he grins to her.

Is everybody so blind? Can anybody see that I am in pain? I am feeling the highest pain, because I do suffer but I do not say it. Finally YOU walk inside and walk to her with the huge smile in your face. You never smile to me like that, never like that.

I try to ignore it as you start to hug her, as you start to kiss her and asking a lot of senseless things. I try to act as I don't care, I try to pretend that I am not here. That you're not here. That my heart disappeared and doesn't ache anymore. But I am not made of stone. I grab my things and stumble out of the room. Noone follows and my path is blurring because of the tears.

I love you and I hate myself.

Next day you come and talk to me. I listen to you but, your words are so fake, you whole self it's so fake. all my body hurts and my head and my eyes and you still talking and talking, trying to explain

"i can see whoever I like..."

"Maybe I should tell you this before somewhere else..."

"Are you okay?"

You keep talking, like searching for an excuse, as you think someone can believe you making this, as I can believe you and smile and say "I understand, Kaoru" But I don't. I don't. I am tired, I bit my lips and my tonge and I feel my mouth filled with blood, and I can't talk, I can't even tell you "shut up"

It hurts. I does hurt more than everything. It's like you are playing with a open wound. I am tired to listen to your talk, because talk is cheap, the acting is different from that, and you suck at acting. You selfish. You senseless.

So I move away, it's then when you decide to shut yourself up. But you don't walk out, you don't follow me. It is ok, I am learning to be alone. I am learning, slowly and painfully, how it is to be hated by someone, how to live without you. I am going to make it. I am sure.~


Please understand
This isn't just goodbye
This is "I can't stand you"
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