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09 October 2010 @ 04:54 pm
title: Falling to pieces
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me.
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Die/Toshiya, Kaoru/Toshiya (one sided), Shinya/Die (one sided)
Rating: G
Comments: i'm just posting all the fics i wrote here so i could make a decent archive and have it all together♥

Those months turned to years. A lot of things changed since Die called me that day. Even our music and our looks, I think that everything started with Kisou recording. It was so hard and long. All of us composed a song for that album, even Toshiya who was always so 'afraid' to compose something, don't know why, because; for me, as leader and composer as well, his songs are always powerful and amazing. Die and me were the main composers of the album, as always but in Kisou I left much more than song sheets.


One day I was talking with Kyo about some music, some song, looking around all my sheet's and my notes and one of them, fell down to the floor, I panicked as I saw what it was. I wrote a lyric. Kyo took it from the rough floor and gazed at it, then read it slowly. When he finished, he looked at me with clueless eyes.

"Did you write this?"

I sighed and nodded slowly "I did.."

"It's for him? I mean..." He looked down and read over the lyric again "I.. ..it's amazing, i'm being honest kaoru. So good."

I blushed. I feel honoured by kyo's words. I admired kyo as a lyrist and knew that he liked my lyric made me feel good. "It's not that good... I just.. it's just that I needed to write it..." I said, emotionless, as I ligthed a cig.

"Why mushi?" he said, not carin' about my words.

I sighed, the title. He was going to laugh at me... "I don't know.. I just feel like that sometimes.. you know?" I said, taking a long puff of my cigarrete and let the smoke pass away my lips as I was talking slowly, showing my soul to kyo "It's like a built a coocon to hide myself.. and.. now I can't break it.. I don't want to break it.. I.." i sighed again "damn kyo..." I laughed faintly "I don't know i've just wrote it.. i needed to."

Kyo nodded and smiled faintly "It's pretty good kaoru.. Why don't you add it to the album?"

My eyes widened, the mere idea of show this lyric to everyone scared me. "What? no way kyo... It's not good.. and..." He cut my words, waving his hand.

"Give me the lyric, I will show them tomorrow or next to tomorrow and in the album will appear my name, they won't know, he will not know..."

I sighed, i wasn't sure about that, but if Kyo liked the lyric it had to be good, not as good as Kyo's lyrics, but good at least. So i just simply nodded wo we did, we adde mushi to kisou's album.


After that a lot of things changed, as firts our looks and our music. It's like I needed rid from my long hair, our visual looks and our past. So one day, without say a word to anyone, I cut my hair. Yeah, my really long hair, the one which was near to touch the final of my back. It was ok, i cut it off and dyed it blonde. When i looked myself at the mirror I sighed, it didn't help so much. I still felt the same, but at leat I felt different. I went to the practise and as usual I was the first. So I jsut sat down, tunning and playing with my guitar, waiting for the others.

The first who arrived was shinya, who looked at me with really wide eyes.

"K..kaoru-kun..y..your hair!!" He said, walking to me. I has to laugh faintly and nodded to him "Why did you cut it? It was pretty long...."

I shrugged "I needed a change, I think..."

He smiled then "You look nice"

I laughed again "Thank you"

As shinya moved to his drumset, Kyo arrived. Sleepy he didn't even realize about my hair. he stumbled to the couch, sitting next to tme and mumbled a 'good morning'

I smiled and pat his leg "good morning kyo"

"good morning kao.." he looked up and his eyes widened even more than shinya's ones "holy shit... what the fuck happened with your hair?"

I laughed, a real laugh, i had to. Kyo was great "I jsut cut it off... I really look that bad?"

Kyo laughed too and shook his head "Far from that man... It's just.. weird.. it shocked me. Why did you cut it?"

I shrugged as I did with shinya, but my answer was different because it was kyo. "I felt like I had to do it..."

I heard how he sighed and nodded "If it helpled you that's fine..." then his voice came smaller "you feel better or just different?"

damn him. He always knew every single thought it that ran inside my mind. Yes, i tried to change myself but the feeling still there. So i just shook my head "I don't feel better... just different..."

Kyo opened his voice and was about to say something when the door opened and cheerful voices started talking at the same time "ohayouuuu~~~" the sang, gigglin' like fools. Of course, they were die and toshiya. When they realized my hear, they gasped and fell silent for a while but after that toshiya was the first to talk "Kao! Your pretty hair!! what did you make!!" and he pouted

I smiled at him, I always smile when he's around. he makes me smile, no matter how bad my day is, or what I am thinking. I had to smile "I needed a change.. just that..."

"But..." he even pouted more "your hair was so long!!" He sighed but looked at me, showing one of his cute crooked smile, anr turned into a grin " you look great kaokao~!!"

I wished that he would never said that. My mask didn't work so well in front of him. I just nodded "T-thanks..."

Then Die walked to me, ruffling my hair and grinned like a fool "It's true!! you look so good kaoru!!" then he laughed.

I growled. My hair. Noone touch my hair, it's the most important thing in my life after dir en grey and hide's signature, of course. "Do Not Touch.. My.. Hair..." I said, growling, but after that I smiled at him "thanks man..."


Months after that all of us changed. All of them even die with his long hair or toshiya who loved his long perfect black hair more than himself. We all cut our hair off.

After that everything changed. Our looks. Our music and Ourselves. One day I talked to all of them, as a leader even if somethines I hate taking that role.
I talked about a big change, no more fanservice, no more visual looks. I talked about music, about pain. About kyo and me. I talked about I wanted to do, about the change I wanted to make.

They were agree, all of them. They also thought that a change was good. So changed, we did.

Vulgar was born.


I am sitting in my mainroom, alone. Smoking a cigarrete and thinking. Thinking about how everything changes since that call. It has passed five years. Yeah, Die and Toshiya are going out since five years ago, and no. I didn't get over it. Neither shinya did. But I can't blame them, they are happy.

I look around my mainroom and I see that fool's mate magazine. I open it, looking like mad for that I want to find, those pictures. I find them. I look at them, i can see myself hugging toshiya, his body leaning against mine. I close my eyes and I can remember clearly the warm of his body, his sweet my breath against my skin, I sigh. I start to think how it would be my life if he's going out with me and not with die.

It's funny how vivid and bright are my fantasies about him. I can see hims smiling at me. I can feel his hand holding mine tightly. I can feel his warm hug, the smell of his hair, the taste og his lips... I open my eyes, a tear run down my cheek as the reality hits me. Toshiya's not with me. I am alone. This is how the story should be, no more and no less.

I take other cigarrete and lit it as I stare to those pictures again. I take the magazine in my hands and run my fingers slowly trough the pictures.

"I love you, Toshiya" So pathetic. Talking to myself like a fool and declaring my love to a toshiya's pic. I am nearly broken. I am sure.

I am starting to get worse, as Shinya did. I am not forgetting myself, not shaving and gainin' weight as I did in our chinese tour. I just feel like I am dying inside. I can't stand it more.. It's like i can't go on life with the regret that I didn't say him anything when I had the choose to do it. Well, maybe i am just scared to face the things I fear, it's easy just walk away from everything.

I sigh and wipe my tears off, looking to those beloved pictures of toshiya and me. I smile despite my tears, thinking how close I was to him, that I hold him just for a while, even if It just was because a stupid photoshoot.
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