Log in

No account? Create an account
09 October 2010 @ 04:04 pm
title: Despair of the Fault
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me.
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Kaoru/Toshiya
Rating: G
Comments: i'm just posting all the fics i wrote here so i could make a decent archive and have it all together♥

so we just stay there, avoiding each other and trying to act like nothing was happening because right now we were just two bandmates, the guitar and the bass, no more and no less.

we were working hard for the new album and we didn't talk so much those days, we didn't talk but those days we even talked less, but everytime i stared at you i just could think that you were beautiful, i'm sure that you can't imagine but you are so beautiful sitting alone with your guitar, composing, talking with kyo about lyrics or with die about scores, so damned beautiful, i felt jealous, jealous because that beautifulness wasn't because me, i was jealous about your guitar, i wished i could be as important as your guitar and the music is for you, i stared at you while you were playing and i felt really jealous... how your guitar was close to you as i used to be, your guitar was upon your body and upon your heart and made me cry the thought that i was that close one time too.

I couldn't help myself, but as a way to try to forget you... i tried to hate you... and i really started to do it, to hate every part of you, because you yelled at me that day and all my life changed... because you left me alone, but then inside all my memories i could hear your words and i started to hate myself too because as you said it was my fault, so it got harder and harder to wake up each day and go to practise acting like nothing was happening, that nothing happened; and everytime i went to the practises and stare at you i hated you more and more, that smile you gave to kyo because he made other great lyric, the laugh you gave to die because he made fun about shinya, those smiles and those laughs that were mine but they weren't now, it was killing me so badly but as you are the strong leader-sama i am the cheerful toshiya, naive cute toshiya... so how i could say this to anyone? Althought die asked me everyday i just couldn't answer it, because it hurted me so much think that if i tell die, he'll tell to you and you wouldn't care at all, so i started acting, really acting because i thought it was the best i could make, just act and betray myself and the others, even if someone came to me and asked me i just smiled gently and said that it was nothing or just that i felt tired, so i made a mask to try to hide my fault behind it... kaoru.

One day i overslept, i woke up and went to the practise as faster as i could but i arrived an hour late, i entered and said sorry unpacking my stuff quickly. You said nothing, i mean... you said nothing special just the same you said as other was late too, you didn't even look at me, you just took your guitar and said slowly "We have too much work to do, try not to fall asleep next time..." and gave the sing to start, i just nodded and said sorry slowly. We started playing and for first time in months i could feel your powerful eyes looking at me, i was shocked and i looked up slowly, when our eyes met i knew that you were knowing exactly what i felt, that my eyes couldn't lie to yours, we just stared each other for seconds but i also know that you knew everything then that all the mask i made trough all these time destroyed as you looked at me. I felt confused, i was loosing myself in your deep brown eyes, i wanted to stop playing, to hug you and cling to you that please never leave me, but then i could hear your yells inside my head again "you're the fault!" it beat me like a slap, made me look deeper in your eyes, searching desperatly for something that will show me that you didn't mean that words but the only thing i found was emotionless, i sighed loud... i didn't care about the others or about you anymore and i looked down, hurted, lost... and played bass. I don't know what you made then but i couldn't feel your gaze at mine again.

The practise finished and you said we could leave and i packed my stuff as soon as i could, i didn't say goodbye to anyone i felt really confused, your stare were killing me, i felt lost so i just left the room without said a word and came back home.
When i entered home i saw a little packet, i took it slowly and it had no name or adress, i blinked because i didn't know how could send me something like that, i thought that maybe could be a fan but it was so impossible. I took the little pack slowly and i opened it and i shocked when i saw what was inside it, it was a silver ring plan and simple one but i shocked ever more when i moved it slowly and it was something engraved on it, the ring said: "my inspiration" and when i read it i felt like i couldn't breath, my eyes widened and i looked at the ring again and again, my mind was crying out the name of the person who sent me that ring, i was sure it was you, i was sure. Finally my lips parted as i put the ring on i said: "kaoru...." and i started crying loud, i couldn't stop the tears and the uncontrollable sobs, i really needed an answer about this ring about those words, i looked outside it was raining hard but i didn't care... i couldn't wait more time, we were avoiding each other and i couldn't wait more time, so i left home and got my bike.. and drove like mad to your house, when i arrived there.. i stayed outside a lot of time, i was shivering hard because the rain and the cold, but i was scared about your reaction... Finally i took a deep breath and knocked your door, slowly and scared waiting for you, and you opened the door and stared at me with wide eyes and i felt stupid, because i'm sure i didn't look so well all wet, freezing and shivering in your door. You looked at me deeply and when i was about to talk you did before me

"I was sure you'll come here.. b..but no so soon......." your voice wasn't diferent... didn't sound different.. or your expression.. nothing... your face was painfully expresionless, i couldn't help myself and silents tears started to run down my cheeks, i didn't make a noise weere just tears and i took the ring slowly, showed it to you

"what the hell is this?" i was trying to calm myself and breath, but i couldn't, all this was over taking my feelings "what it means?!!" i screamed, because for first time in so many time i was there to shout at you all the things i couldn't, i looked at you again with the ring in my hand, waiting for your answer, trying to read something in your expresionless face.

You took the ring from my hand and stared at it, without saying a word you gave it back to me and looked to me "i don't know what are you talking about, toshiya..." i felt my heart broke, i was sure it was you, who else could be? i felt lost, i felt confused and i felt really stupid; i was still shivering hard because the cold and after your words i cried more, without couldn't help it

"but... i thought.. i..." i sobbed and stopped talking as i thought how miserable i could look in that moment, how stupid i felt because i thougth that it was you the one who put that ring in my house, that you kaoru, my kaoru didn't forget about me, but i was wrong.. as usual, and i hated myself there, because i was just so naive to think about what, i breathed hard trying to calm my sobs and wiped my tears away, ready to go away, to run away from you as i did "i..... i am sorry.... ...forget what i said... ne...." i looked down and sniffed, turned around to run away from you again, but then i felt your hard around my arm, you felt so warm...., i stopped and turned around, staring at you again, half surprised and half hopeful

"y...you're so wet.. and outside's still raining... i.. it's so dangerous to go with your bike in a day like this...." i stared at you in shock and i almost can admit that you smiled faintly then.... "why.. don't you stay here.. and at least change your clothes? you'll get a flu.. or something if you don't change them...." and then your hand left my arm and i felt like if i was fainting, but at the same time i felt angry, it was like you were piting myself... i shook my head and stared at you deeply.

"you don't have to be like this with me kaoru.. i am fine." my voice didn't sound nice, but i didn't want to make it nice either... you stared at my back and sighed

"fuck... toshiya...! i.. i just don't want you to get a cold over there or what if you... if you have an accident? think about those things.. y..your friends.. and.. the group.. it's dangerous...." i growled... so that was the most important thing.. it was no my health, or the ring or anything. it was your group... your damned loved group...i really was angry then, i could scream at you all the things i couldn't say those months, but by other hand i couldn't, so i started crying again, silent tears and tiny sobs; but then i felt fed up, like i couldn't handle it more and i bursted out

"...s..Shut up!!! i can't listen this again!! i can't!!!" i sobbed loud looking down "i'll take care of myself leader-sama... you don't have to be worried about your bassist, he won't have an accident so you don't have to stop the tour... he won't have a flu so you won't have to stop practises.... sure!! because your bassist doesn't have real problems, he doesn't... he doesn't pass all nights trying not to think about how stupid he was for running away months away, tries not to think about that damned tattoo in your fucking hand! and tries to forget the person how he loved the most..." i think that i started talking like nobody was listening.. like if i was talking to myself, trying to convice myself about that i was saying... "but don't worry so much, because your bassist won't say a word and will be in the practise with his fucking silly smile and his cute face just to play bass for your so important group!!" i sobbed and sobbed, crying uncontrolable, then you slapped me, your hand crossed my face, at least i stopped crying and looked at you in shock, holding my cheek with my hand; then you grabbed my hand and made me enter in your house, you looked at me deeply and then you talked.

"Do you really think that this is easy for me... do you really think that i am not suffering... that i don't want to hug you each time i see you in the practise?" you sighed and stopped grabbing my arm "but you are right... dir en grey is the most important thing for me, more than myself... more than you...." I looked at you, i didn't cry more, i didn't want to, that only thing i was thinking then was how much i hated you, how much i wanted to kick your damn face for make this but i just leave your house and started walking, again runnin away from you, i felt as i couldn't look at your face never again.

So i did, i left your home and walked to my bike, as i did months ago and feeling exactly as i felt then, i was crying again and was raining, even hard than before but i didn't care, i drove faster and came back home, i didn't take my clothes off i fell on my bed and took my ring off, and i stared at it, the ring, YOUR ring, it made me cry more i took it in my hands and throw it away, far away from me, as you were then, Kaoru.
Current Music: David Guetta - Memories (feat. Kid Cudi) | Powered by Last.fm