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15 November 2009 @ 04:44 am
Title: Motionless
Author: luster
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me but the story.
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Kaoru/Toshiya
Rating: G
Words Count: 575
Summary: "But you're still here."
Comments: i started this for one of the themes of the fanfiction challenge for the kaoxtotchi comm, but i just got stuck with it and i don't know how to go on with it, so it stays here until i can think about something to go on.

comments and criticism are very welcome.

dedicated to sick_pride because she's such a muse. xDDD
♥ ♥ ♥

"I have a million reasons why I should leave you, a million reasons why you hurt me, a million reasons why this isn't worthy anymore." I say, and my voice doesn't sound as broken as I feel I am. You. You have no conscience of what have you done to me, do you? The sleepless nights, the humiliation of the broken promises and the thousand second chances, the might have beens. You. You really have no idea, do you?

"But you're still here." You finally say, and your voice reaches my ears after the smoke of your cigarette reaches my lungs. "So, your reasons aren't strong enough, they are not valid. You're still here." You sound so sure of yourself that I want to break down in a crying, desperate and small mess, on the floor. You're so collected, why? Why this doesn't affect you as much as it affects me, why you don't care about this as much as I do? Why don't you care about me as much as I do...
If there's something I wanted to say, something powerful and maybe hurtful, I just forgot after the daggers that were your words. You still collected and with that attitude you have, of possessing the world's truth in your hands; are right. I'm still here, I'm still clinging to you, unable to let go of you, of moving on. I know that, I know... Can you just be more empathic, can't you? Why can't you see it my way, like... my take on love. Why instead of seeing me as an annoying presence can't you think that, if I don't let go, if I hold onto things still it's because I'm just terrified that something as great as the things we shared won't happen again. Great things, bright things, meaningful things... they just don't happen twice.

And you can't understand that.

"Things change, Toshiya." You say after some quiet minutes, when you noticed that my mouth isn't moving that not even an inch of my body is moving. And you using my stage name is probably one of the things that have hurt me the most. It hurts a lot, right now. "And that's not a bad thing, neither a good one..." You start explaining yourself, after a long sigh. Your voice is low and raspy, and beautiful. It really is, it's captivating and it's yours, it's unique. Probably the thing that made me fall in love with you, it was your voice. The memory of you, young and painfully thin and breathtaking beautiful, shaking my hand and saying my name, for first time, the first time of a million ones is one of the most vivid memories I cherish right now. How the vowels rolled on your tongue, you saying my name was like listening to a song, the most beautiful song ever. I like when you say my name. "Things just change." You repeat, again and you take me away from the beautiful memory of years ago, back to the reality of a break up, a bitter one. The one of our break up, or just another break up. I look up at you and you look normal, calm. Your body is relaxed and you're holding a cigarette between your fingers, dragging it to your mouth from time to time, inhaling the poisonous smokes of it. I sigh, loudly and you do too, and it just sounds so exasperated, so annoyed.
eternal.sunshine.of.the.spotless.mindht_56 on December 19th, 2009 02:54 pm (UTC)
sooo sad... at first i thought it was kao's pov. for me, this fic can stand alone. unless u plan to have a multi chaptered fic? mthat just my opinion. =) whatever it is, am sure you're gonna do just fine. =)