Log in

No account? Create an account
09 October 2010 @ 04:53 pm
title: Falling to pieces
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me.
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Die/Toshiya, Kaoru/Toshiya (one sided), Shinya/Die (one sided)
Rating: G
Comments: i'm just posting all the fics i wrote here so i could make a decent archive and have it all together♥

sitting on the couch, a beer in my hand. I was trying to compose, writting random notes in scores, playing random stuff with my acustic guitar, but I found myself thinking about him, about that joke he made at practise today. I smiled. He always made me smile, no matter how down i feel, or how fucked up my day was, everytime i think about him i end up with a silly smile on my face. Everytime i think about him, about toshiya...

The sound of the phone made me come back to the earth, taking it i lighted a cig "Uh?"

"Yo kaoru!!" it was die's cheerful voice.. and he sounded even happier than others days, his cherfulness made me smile too.

"Hi die.. what's up?"

"Nothing... well... it's just.. i have something to tell you...."

I blinked, maybe something was wrong but die sounded so happy.. so it couldn't be. I was curious "What's up?"

"It's about.. well..." I could hear him talking with someone, and laughing a bit. I recognized that laugh, it was toshiya. I wondered what toshiya was doing so late at die's home "Toshiya and i... we.. are dating...." My eyes widended, my cig dropped to the floor. I couldn't believe it. Die... and toshiya? I said nothing just because i had nothing to say, and die started talking again "We are going to tell it to everyone tomorrow.. but.. i just wanted to tell you first ne..."

I sighed loudly, that was the one thing i could make, but then i thought that i could make nothing, that i couldn't blame them because it wasn't they fault, not toshiya's, not die's, just mine. So i took a deep breath and tried to sound cheerful "That's... great.. die..."

I could hear how they were laughing, and i felt... jealous. I still couldn't believe, how they ended up together. I could understand anyway, their personalities fit so well with each other, always laughing, always cheerful. I sighed again "thanks man!!" it was die's voice again "we will see you tomorrow at practise ne? Bai!!" I was about to hang up with the phone when i could hear toshiya's voice "Good night kao~~~!!!" and then he hanged up. Gods, he seemed to be so happy, so cheerful. I sighed again. Staring at the phone with wide eyes, i felt stupid. He, my bestfriend, is going out with him, the person who's always in my mind.


I couldn't sleep that night, my mind was still thinking about them, more that about them it was thinking about him. I was regreting myself, why i didn't tell him what i felt, what i even didn't tell die. I sighed, i hated being a leader sometimes. With the "the group it's the most important thing" thougth. The group that always is the most important thing, more than me, than my feelings, more than him. He got the chance i didn't have guts to take, and now he's dating with him. As long as i coulnd't sleep that night, i was the first person who arrived to the studio, playing with my guitar i waited as all of them were in the room. When kyo finally arrived, toshiya and die got up and die trembling voice started to say something.

"Toshiya and.. I... we... have something to tell you...." And then they walked to each other, taking his hands and huggin' slowly.

If you think that i was the only heartbroken at that room, you're wrong. As soon as die said that, i looked up at shinya. He looked like he was going to cry, he was too obvious, at least for me. I can even say that i heard how his heart shattered to pieces as die hugged toshiya. But he was smart, givin' them a fake smile, shinya walked to toshiya, and hugged him slowly, saying "That's... great.. totchi..." How he reminded me about myself yesterday, he's dying inside, even if he didn't show it but he was, after that hug he said nothing more, he didn't even looked to die. he walked to his drums and sat there. I sighed as I saw that.

I moved to my place and took my guitar too, I was about to give the sing to start, when i could see kyo's eyes on me. He was the one who knew it, who knew how i felt about toshiya. I looked back at him, we didn't need words to know what the other was thinking. Kyo's stare was crying out "I told you". That made me sigh again, it was useless. Blame myself, or them. Then it was useless, they were together and I was alone, that was how the story finished.

The practise was normal as usual, I couldn't let all this bother my work. My personals problems or feelings can't bother me in a practise, i played. Cold and emotionless. Stoic person. that's how everybody treats me, so that's how i act.


Months passed by, and die and toshiya relationship just went perfectly, and that made shinya and me suffer too. At the first they were quite shy when they were in front of us, just holding hands or huggin'. But as months passed, they forgot their shyness, and started to kiss roughly everywhere. If you went out to smoke a cig in the break time and you came back to the practise room, you could find them in the couch, wrapped into each other arms, kissin' like there were no tomorrow. It made me smile because i was happy about die's happiness and about toshiya's too, but inside myself was dying.

One lonely evening, i was sitting on my couch trying to work on some kyo's lyrics he gave me at practise when the phone rang. Inside my mind, i wished it could be die, but of course it wasn't. I lost a friend as I lost the person i loved. Sighin', i took the phone "moshi moshi?"

A hard, manly voice came from the other side of the phone "Niikura kaoru?"

I removed my cig from my lips, givin' a last puff "Yes... Niikura Kaoru over here..."

"Hi.. I am calling from Fools Mate Magazine.. i was wondering if dir en grey would come to a photosession this friday, we thought about something nice...."

I smiled faintly "Sure, we are always glad to make photosessions to such an important magazine as fools mate" I was using my arrogant, leader-sama talking to him, that always worked to the producers and those important people

The guy gave a faint giggle "We are glad too, Kaoru-san. Anyway, i talked with your manager before call you because there's something about I want to talk with you about the photoshooting.." He was silent for a while as he started to talk again "We want to make a fanservice photosession"

My eyes widened a bit, it was okay. We used to make fanservice too much.... all of us. Me with die, kyo, even... Toshiya. And the others did too.... toshiya with kyo.. die with kyo.. shinya with toshiya, but that photosession didn't sound so good "Oh, sounds nice...."

I could even hear the smile how showed up in the other man's face "Nice kaoru-san, see you then with your group friday?"

"Sure, thanks for call..."

"thanks to you..." and he hanged up.

I stared at the phone like a fool, again. Fanservice photosession, i wondered what kind of photos they would make, what kind of poses, and the most important thing. The pairings.


I told everyone that friday we would have the fools mate's fanservice photosession, everyone of them sounded so happy and exciting about them, but the very exciting one was Toshiya.

"fanservice photosession!" He sang "that sounds soooooo cool!!!" And he showed up his cute, crooked teeth in a grin "Did they tell you the pairings?"

I shook my head, trying not to loose myself in that cute grin "They didn't... i have no idea what pairings they'll choose..."

I could hear kyo's sigh from the couch "whatever pairing they will choose... i will end up alone as always..."

Toshiya giggled, walking to kyo and poking his cheek "Poor kyo-chaaa~n!"

kyo growled "Don't do that!!!!" and he pouted, in a very kyo-cute manner

Everybody laughed at that, even I did. Toshiya was so cute.... bloody cute. I sighed. Walking to my spot i gave my sing to start because i didn't want to think more about toshiya, and the only thing how got my mind blank was the music, so we had a nice, long practise.


Week passed so fast that when I realized i was in the van driving to take those pics, I was... nervous. The slight thought of the pairings made me feel excited. I really wanted to know what kind of pairings they choose, but i was too scared that maybe they choosed, toshiya with me, and that maybe i wouldn't be able to control myself. I sighed as we walked inside, meeting with the photograph, we talked with him a bit and then we went to change ourselves. Macabre's outfits.

When they were finally dressed, toshiya was the one who almost glomped over the photograph "what pairings did you choose!!!" and he grinned again, looking like a kid.

the photograph chocked but smiled faintly to him "Oh...we thought about die and shinya... and... toshiya with kaoru....." he looked then at kyo "sorry...."

kyo just rolled his eyes "i am used to..."

My mind went blank. He said 'toshiya and kaoru'. Those pics, were going to be about me with him. Myself close to him, or holding him, or whatever the photographer thought it could be nice, i can swear that my face got pale, I saw kyo looking at me, whispering "calm..."

toshiya giggled "that's so nice!"

The photographer smiled and nodded "Thank you.. so... Let's start..." he gazed to shinya and die "you first, please..."

I stared at them and i saw him nodding, shinya was nervous i could tell it, you could read it in his eyes. I wondered what kind of pics the photographer wanted to do and i moved closer to the photography set, realizing that i was being followed by toshiya. I sighed. The photographer made some instructions to shinya and die, he made shinya lie over, some kind of table, lying on his arms and looking a bit helpless. Die stod up, hands resting at the sides of shinya's body.

"okay..." the cheerful voice of the photographer came up as he checked on his camera "die-san... please... i want you to look over shinya-san with a stare full of love... the most you can..."

I saw how die looked up. He wasn't looking at the photographer, he looked right to toshiya. Their eyes met and die just melted, i knew it. He looked down to shinya then, and he really had the lovingly eyes. I was glad because shinya didn't see that, because if he saw, his heart would really break down. I side looked at toshiya, he had a dreamy smile on his face, looking right to die as the photographer was taking pics. "ookay!" he smiled "thanks... please kyo-san? your turn..."

Kyo walked to the photographer and he took him tons of pics. But i didn't realize. My mind wasn't focused on kyo's photosession, or in how toshiya and die were huggin' soflty just right to me. My mind was lost in the thought that toshiya and I were the next. Maybe.. It was a picture like die and shinya's one, innocent... with just a lovingly stare. I could do that. But things were so different.

"kaoru-san and toshiya-san... i thought about something nice with you too..." he motioned us to go to a kind of little tatami "sit on there" So we did, we sat next to each other waiting for the photographer's orders "Okay.... move, i want you face to each other" So we did and now my face was staring at toshiya's beautiful one "Fine, please kaoru-san, get closer and put a hand on toshiya's soulder" I was shocked at first, i couldn't do that. I coudln't, the photographer looked at me with a wondering stare as I didn't move, taking a deep breath. I did what he said, moved closer to toshiya and put my hand over his shoulder "Great!! now, toshiya-san please lean over kaoru... Better you both lean over and toshiya-san please lean over him, and put your right hand on the floor and the other one around kaoru's waist" My eyes widened, but as soon as I could make something, toshiya's body was leaning against mine. Then we were leaning on that tatami thing, toshiya was close to me, like he was snuggled up to my chest and his arm was around my waist. I was dying. "Now, please kaoru-san wrap your right arm around toshiya's shoulder and put your faces closer to each other" It couldn't be, i could swear my arm was shivering. I closed my eyes for a moment. I couldn't do that. I was Niikura Kaoru and I was working. No more. No feelings, no shiver, nothing. I put my mask on. Moving my arm and pulling toshiya close, our faces were so near that if we moved a bit we would kiss. "amazing!!" the photographer seemed to be amused with his work and he started to take pics like mad. I could feel toshiya breathing against my neck, against my skin. I could smell his girlie perfume, his scent. I closed my eyes again, I wanted to save those moments, even if they were for a stupid photosession "great...." he came closer and stopped in front of us "Now look up to me" We did and toshiya's smell was stronger. A few more pics and the photographer smiled, looking satisfied "Was great.. thanks!" I got up as soon as I could, not wanting to feel that body against mine even more, not wanting to have those lips so close to mine. I sighed. I was confused, dizzy. I loved him.

Toshiya giggled and got up too, smiling at the photographer "i can't wait to see them!!"

He smiled again "Next week, it will look amazing... I am sure..." And then he left, waving at us.

We went to change ourselves again, the first who left were die and toshiya, holding their hands tightly and lookinh amused, as always. A cheerful "'till tomorrow~!" was said by them as they left the room. I pulled my jeans on and sat down. I was trying to analize all those feelings toshiya brought to me, sweet feelings. But fake ones. I hated it. I could feel then a skinny hand on my shoulder and I looked up. Shinya. His eyes was so red, I was sure he was crying, but he smiled to me after all.

"are you ok?" His words came so slow and soflty from his mouth

I nodded and smiled faintly "I am.... you?"

He just nodded and took his bag, ready to leave "Till.. tomorrow... kaoru...."

"Bye shinya...." And he left the room.

I packed my stuff and I was ready to leave when I could feel other hand on my shoulder, I turned around and I saw kyo, giving me a worried look "kaoru...."

i sighed and walked on "i am fine kyo..."

"like ass you are fine..." kyo growled and got closer, walking right next to me "I saw you kaoru, I saw your fucking stare. Your mask not always works, so just don't lie to me telling me that you are fine..."

I sighed. It was hard to lie to kyo. To be honest, i couldn't lie to kyo as he couldn't lie to me. We became good friends with the years, even with kyo's odd personality and with my weird manners. With just a stare we knew if the other was fine and of course i wasn't fine "Ok.. I am not fine... so what?" I said, helpless, lightin' a cig.

"Want to talk about it?" kyo said, lighting a cig for himself too.

I shook my head, giving a puff of my cig "I... don't want to... just... not now.. maybe.. other day.... or..."

I was cut by his words. If there's something i loved about kyo it's that he always knew when i needed time for myself and when i needed to tlak with him. Smiling gently, he pat my shoulder "It's ok... you know i am here if you need to talk ne?"

I smiled back and nodded "I know... kyo.. thanks...."

We both walked to our cars and drived home. When i sat on the couch of my empty mainroom. Everything got worse, the mask was crashing down. I felt a frustated warm tear rolling down my cheek as I thought about what happened that day "toshiya...." I muttered, before choking into a sob. I hate crying, i always hate it. But i knew it that cry it was good to wash your pain away, so I just stod there, face buried in my hands, crying my eyes off, since I had no tears left. Then I walked to my kitchen and took a beer, i almost drank it in two sibs. That how my life was going on since that day. Crying, smoking, drinking and mourning my love for him.


A month after the photosession, I started to get worried about shinya. All of us were worried, but I just knew what he was doing. He was fallin' to pieces as I was. But he really looked devasted. He started to loose weight, too much, he looked painfully skinny, and awfully tired. It seemed he didn't get so much sleep, I knew why. I also spent my nights awake not to have stupid and pointless diextoshiya dreams that made me crazy. I wanted to help him, but he was just helpless as I was. I saw how toshiya walked to him in a break time at practise, looking very worried

"Shini..." he said, taking the drummers hand and squeezed it "I am so worried about you...."

"I am.. fine.. totchi..." He said with weary voice.

"you are not!!!" he said, sighing "You're so pale.. and so skinny!! and you look like spaced out always! please.. shini... I really want to help you... but I can't if you don't tell me what happens..."

I saw how shinya smiled soflty to his friend. I knew how he felt, how he wanted to cry out to toshiya that he was in love with die and that every minute he saw toshiya and die together his heart cried in pain. But I also knew that shinya was happy about toshyia, about his best friend, because he found someone he loved. he shook his head "it's nothing.. really.. i think i am just a bit sick... i will go to see a doctor if it gets worse.. but i swear that i am fine..."

Toshiya sighed and hugged his skinny friend slowly "Okay... but please... if... something happen you know you can tell me... ne... you can tell me everything!!" and he smiled

Shinya nodded and smiled slowly, giving a small kiss on his friend cheek "I am fine.. and.. sure.. i will tell you..."

I saw how Toshiya grinned and left, looking for die or whatever. And I could hear shinya's sigh. I pitied him, not in a "oh poor him" fake stuff, i really did because i knew what kind of stuff he was suffering. He just left the room. As he did, toshiya and Die came in, holding hands. He sat next to me on the couch and toshiya smiled gently "Ne... kao...."

I looked up at him and melted. That smile. There was no bad days if you could see toshiya's smile. I shook my head slighty and put my mask on, and nodded at him "what?"

"you know...." he sighed, never leaving die's hand pressing against his own. "I am so worried about shinya kao.... he.. has some kind of big problem, i can tell it, but i don't know why he doesn't want to tell me... so I thought.. maybe... you can talk to him? He trusts you... and maybe.. he wants to tell you instead me...." he smiled then, stucking his bottom lip with his teeth.

I sighed 'stop being that kind and cute' my mind was crying out inside my head, but I shook it again. Stoic Kaoru. I nodded at him and smiled "Sure.. i will talk to him after practise... I know that everything it's okay..."

he grinned and then he hugged me "thank you kaokao!!!" and turned back to his lover, kissin' his cheek.

I sighed as I saw them kissing roughly jsut next to me, i was getting sick. I sighed, i wanted shinya and kyo to go back to start with practise, to play, to forget. Closing my eyes. i remembered that photosession again, and the memory od toshiya's scent hit me. I wanted to get over it....

Kyo and shinya finally arrived and practise began. I loved music, i loved to play music, to compose it, to feel it. There I was, me and ganesa. Nothing more meant then. I smiled to myself as my fingers ran like mad throught the guitar strings. I grinned. I could play everyday, everytime....

At the end of practise, die and toshiya left quickly as always, shortly followed by kyo. He has crashed his car so toshiya and die drove him home. As soon as shinya was about to leave, i grabbed his arm gently "shinya... wait..."

"Kaoru-kun..." He said with his soft and calm voice. He was always so polite

I smiled gently and motioned him to sit on the couch, and he did, me sitting next to him "you know.... We are worried about you... toshya came to me at the break asking me if i would talk to you.. and i was worried too.... You're not ok.... but.. what happens?" I knew what happened, but i just wanted to take shinya's trust

"nothing happends...." I glared at him, deeply. I was about to say something when he started talking, it seemed like he needed to "I... can't blame.. them... it's not... his fault... and it's not.. die's fault... it's just mine... but..."

I cut his words, i Knew what was coming next "But you just felt sad, and depressed. And you blame yourself, because he's your bestfriend and you should be happy about him, but you can't help yourself when they saw them together, making out or holding hands, or when you dream about them... or when you just think about him... it everything makes you feel like shit..."

He looked a bit surprised and nodded "ye..yes..."

I smiled gently "I know how do you feel...."

His eyes widened. "you...t..toshiya?!" I felt embarrased, noone knew it, just kyo. I sighed but nodded slowly. "s..sicne when?"

I shrugged, i didn't almost remember, searching inside my memories. i sighed again. "since he joined the band..."

His eyes widened even more "s..so long?! w..why.. did you never tell him!!"

I shrugged again "That doesn't matter right now...."

I saw how he winced. I didn't want to sound that mean, but it was true. Nothing cared now, i didn't tell toshiya and die took his chance. End of the story "..anyway... shinya.... i know that... you feel helpless... but..." I looked up at him "you should get over it... I think that i know how do you feel, the sleepless night, the sick feeling, the feeling that you're fallin'... but... you have to get over it... or you'll destroy yourself... t..take it.. like a leader-sama advice..."

He smiled faintly and nodded "I know... kaoru-kun.... but it hurts so much.. you know? Toshiya calls me everyday to tell me how happy with die is! To tell me what he made with him, what film they saw... how they spent the evening together, and my heart is shattering into pieces in the other side of the phone... but i can't just tell him "stop it... toshiya" because he's my best friend.. and i love him and i am glad that he found someone he loved... but... die...." His eyes became water and stopped talking because he was going to choke into a sob.

The only thing i could do was pat his shoulder, and being next to him, trying to soothe his sorrow. But you can't soothe sorrow, you can't delete it. Even when you think you're better the sorrow is there inside you, giving you break down moments. I waited as he calmed a bit to go on talking "i know.. shinya... but it will be so painfull if you just don't get over it.. trust me.. it's the best.. for you..."

Shinya nodded and sniffed, wiping his tears off "I know... kaoru-kun... i will try...." and then he hugged me slowly. I wasn't so used to hug or embrace people, but shinya needed it so I just held him as his tears dried, when he stopped crying, he looked up at me, smiling gently "thank you...."

I smiled back to him and nodded "was nothing..." He got up and took his bag, as I did, twitchin' the lights off we left the studio.


Months again passed by, Shinya got better and better any time... He gained the weight he lost and he looked more cheerful, that made me feel happy because he was getting over it, somehow. Die and Toshiya? They were so happy that you would puke over them.... It made me feel happy and angry at the same time, it was they were soulmates. Die started to call me again, but it wasn't for go out to drink r something like that, he used to call to talk about toshiya. It was so painful, you can't even imagine how it hurted... But anyway my stoic and cold mask worked fine. Even if he told me how sweet his toshiya was, how happy he made him. It made me feel like sick, but again i remembered shinya's words. but i can't just tell him "stop it... toshiya" And i coulnd't tell either, stop it Die...

But we used to it, we couldn't make anything else.
Current Music: Placebo - Running Up That Hill | Powered by Last.fm