?

Log in

 
 
01 December 2009 @ 12:21 am
 
Title: Rain on light
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me.
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Non implied Kaoru/Toshiya
Rating: G
Words Count: 1.176
Summary: "The rain heals."
Comments: nothing much to say here, i kinda felt like writing.
is very random. comments are really appreciated. ♥



I’m not sure about for how much time I’ve been running, like this, in the rain. Since all this happened, time just doesn't pass the same, there are days ridiculously short, and seconds painful long; and I know it's all inside my head, but it's how it works. When I stop, in a place I don't really know, I vaguely recognize the buildings or the streets; my clothes are totally soaked, drenched in water. The rain has stopped already and I could notice for first time how wet I am, how cold the rain feels against my skin, I feel every drop of rain running down my face and arms. I look up, to the blue, grey sky and I just stare at it, and before I’m sure of what's happening I’m breaking into a loud laugh.

"The rain heals." I whisper, to myself, to no one, to anyone. And suddenly a wave of peace and bliss takes all over my body. It heals, it washes me away; the dirt, all the things I left unsaid, all the things I’m useless for, the pain, the sleepless nights and the blame, I can feel like it's just disappearing from my body, leaving through all those million tiny rain drops that are running down my body.

I, suddenly, sob. And I choke and I'm surprised by it. At first I can't tell if it's raining or not, but the water that's running down my cheeks isn’t the healing, pure rain, isn't fresh, isn't refreshing. My tears are heavy and hot, loaded down with the dirt, all the things I left unsaid, all the things I’m useless for, the pain, the sleepless nights and the blame... Wait... Maybe rain can't heal me after all, as healing as it is, you can't heal something that's totally dead. I choke in another sob, running down both of my hands through my hair, looking around for first time, wondering where I am.

If only I could only mean this exact moment...

Where am I?

My hands move down my pants and I'm glad the in the middle of my rage I had enough common sense not to forget my wallet back at home, it's still here, that means I can grab a cab and come back home, without stretching more this pathetic sight, this pathetic situation. I wipe off my tears with the back of my hand, even if it's no use since they are as wet as my face and the rest of my body and I move to what it seems like a main street which it seems vivid and bright, full of neon lights and people running around. The sight, in a way, makes me laugh. The laughing faces make me laugh, they make me cringe, they make me hurt. I've never felt so lonely, so alone, surrounded by so many people like I’m doing now, waiting for a taxi to stop and carry my pathetic self home.

I'm finally inside the said cab and I keep feeling the weird stares I get from the taxi driver, but I could care less. My mind is everywhere else but there, my mind is whenever else but in this very moment, it's not in this cold, in this pain, in this sorrow. My mind, along with my heart and my soul have abandoned me long time ago, to the time there was sunshine’s and smiles, and you.
I throw a few billets to the taxi driver without even caring to stare at how much the bill is, I just want to come back home, away from his cynical stares and away from everything else. When I'm finally inside of my apartment, after throwing my shoes around, tossing the keys to the floor, totally pissed and angry and just tired.... god I'm just so tired; I call for my cat and it takes me around a minute to realize she's not there anymore. I let out a chuckle when a huge wave of loneliness takes over me again. Everyone is passing after me. Everyone leaves, disappears, and dies... until I am the only one left. Is how it is? This is the pact? I don't want to be the last man standing on earth; I would rather be between your arms.

The exhaustion takes over my body slowly, mixed with the cold of my wet clothes. I haven't sleeping well lately, I haven't eating well lately, I haven't done anything like my old self would do lately. I move on auto pilot, doing things because I need to do them, but there's no motivation, there's nothing inside my right now. All this is just unworthy living without you.

I fall on my bed with a sigh, and even if I'm cold and all my muscles feel tight, rigid with frozenness, I can't force myself to move from bed. After all, the realization hits, and hurts. The dirt, all the things I left unsaid, all the things I’m useless for, the pain, the sleepless nights and the blame, and it’s my entire fault. Totally, and just my fault. My poor choices and my even wrong moves and my even worse reactions and words, and I just can't be as sorry as I am about it right now, yet there's nothing I can do to try to fix things, how can you fix something that's broken beyond repair? I didn’t notice... I didn't know. I never imagined things could get this bad, I never thought things could end up like this and I caused you so much sorrow and so much pain that washing myself out in the rain isn't going to change any of it.

If... If I could see you. If I could see you right now... I would talk about you about the dirt, my dirt, the one which covers me from head to toe for all the sins I’ve committed, all the mistakes I’ve done, I would tell you about them, I would cry over your shoulder sobbing about how scared I am that under all that dirt, there's nothing to show, there's nothing worth to see. If I could see you right now, I would probably tell you about all the things I left unsaid, just for the sake of saying them, of sharing them with you, just because you're precious and I value your opinion and your thoughts even more I value mine. If I could see you right now, I would tell you about the things I'm useless for, starting for how I'm useless for keeping you happy, for having a relationship, I'm useless for a lot of things, but I wanted to be useless for you. If I could see you right now, I would tell you about all the pain, but you're hurt enough, I’ve hurt you enough and I can't see you, I’m never going to see you again, no matter how much I wish for it.

So I open my eyes, and all I can see now, is the smell after the rain.
 
 
Current Music: Los Piratas - Tan facil | Powered by Last.fm
 
 
 
Jaysick_pride on December 15th, 2009 08:03 am (UTC)
*facepalm* I forgot to give you a comment when I read it for the first time. Gods, I'm so stupid.

Dear, this is beautiful. Beautiful and sad and I wanna hug you. Just because.

My mind, along with my heart and my soul have abandoned me long time ago, to the time there was sunshine’s and smiles, and you.

So sad. The past can be so sad.

If... If I could see you. If I could see you right now... I would talk about you about the dirt, my dirt, the one which covers me from head to toe for all the sins I’ve committed, all the mistakes I’ve done, I would tell you about them, I would cry over your shoulder sobbing about how scared I am that under all that dirt, there's nothing to show, there's nothing worth to see. If I could see you right now, I would probably tell you about all the things I left unsaid, just for the sake of saying them, of sharing them with you, just because you're precious and I value your opinion and your thoughts even more I value mine. If I could see you right now, I would tell you about the things I'm useless for, starting for how I'm useless for keeping you happy, for having a relationship, I'm useless for a lot of things, but I wanted to be useless for you. If I could see you right now, I would tell you about all the pain, but you're hurt enough, I’ve hurt you enough and I can't see you, I’m never going to see you again, no matter how much I wish for it.

Oh baby... this is beyond sadness. And I can see him there and I can feel his pain just because of your words and the way you put them together. Amazing. Sad, but amazing.






breathplaying★: ♫ what you have comes to nothing.aibashi on December 15th, 2009 08:06 am (UTC)
i forgot about the whole fic myself so... (laugh) >___>;

thank you thank you thank you. ♥
i'm always looking forward your comments when i write something. ♥
Jaysick_pride on December 15th, 2009 08:30 am (UTC)
You're very welcome, you know how badly I'm falling in love with your fics *hugs* All the time, all the time.
eternal.sunshine.of.the.spotless.mindht_56 on December 17th, 2009 07:37 pm (UTC)
this is... painstakingly beautiful. this is your 2nd fic i read (the first one was printed and posted in my dresser. i dont know if that's even a compliment, but hell, i NEED that daily fix).

im pretty sure that other members of the comm will also fall in love with this fic. please please please... write more. T___T


breathplaying★: ♫ they don't love you like i do.aibashi on December 17th, 2009 08:36 pm (UTC)
dsjkglajglkdg.
what >8|
are you serious??
it's probably the best compliment someone saidabout my fics/writing, ever... omg, i'm so happy you liked something i write it so much that you decided to print itT___T::

do you mind ig i ask which fic was?

and i will write more for sure. ♥
eternal.sunshine.of.the.spotless.mindht_56 on December 19th, 2009 01:47 pm (UTC)
try my love. =)

i HAVE to read it before going to work. it makes me smile ALL THE TIME. i swear. am glad you take that as a compliment. heeheehee... i thought ur gonna think of me as weird. =)

im REALLY looking forward to your next fics. ill try to be descriptive sometimes... TRY, being an operative word because when it comes to kxt... my brain turns into mush. lolz.