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15 November 2009 @ 04:43 am
 
Title: My eden of sorrow
Author: luster
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me but the story.
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Kaoru/Toshiya but it can be any pairing.
Rating: G
Words Count: 533
Summary: You're anchoring me down.
Comments: this is very random, the grammar is broken and incoherent, mostly a lot of thoughts/sentences put all together.
based in a rping character of mine, things i needed to take out of my chest.
non-betaed barely re-read it after i wrote it.

comments and constructive criticism are more than welcome. ♥

You're anchoring me down.

And there's nothing else that I want more than let go of you and your feelings, as cruel as I might sound, as ugly my feelings might be right now.
You're anchoring me down.

I'm tired of listening that your feelings are sincere and I'm being the mean one and I'm tired of listening to your whines and your sad tales and one day I won't be here to dry your tears off and tell you all over and over again that things are okay. I'm tired of trying to deal with a broken doll that can't be fixed, that doesn't want to be fixed, you're driving yourself insane and you're driving me insane and there's something in the way you look into my eyes that tell me that you're dead and they tell me I will die if I stare into them for too long, if I stay with you for too long.

You always talk about things I can't understand, stutters about shattered windows and baseball's players and memories I was supposed to have lived with you but I just can't remember. You keep talking and talking, about a lake and grey carps and a summer festival you wanted to go but you couldn't attend, you babble, child-like; about yakitori and fireworks and how you vividly remember a salmon yukata with a butterfly print.
You haven't lived any of this.
You haven't, and I know that somewhere inside your mind, you're aware of it.

What have I done, in my past life, to deserve this?

I'm tired to wake up to your cries and sobs and incoherencies, to your thin, painfully thin body shaking between my arms, still talking about things that I just won't never be able to understand, because I don't know where the line of the memories and the madness start inside your mind. You're taking me with you, into that spiral that your life is now. The thing I hate the most is when all your memories seem to be gone and you just start crying uncontrollably, repeating that you're unworthy and useless and that you're taking everyone down with you, with your sadness and your madness and when you look at me, in those moments and instead of seeing dead orbs of a insanity mind, I see you desperate for a situation you can't control yet you want to get rid off and even if I want to tell you that you're right, that you're taking everyone down with you, that I'm fed up, that you're useless and unworthy and hideous, even if I want to be blunt, and direct and throw my words like they are daggers... I can't do that, because I remember the time when you were beautiful and bright and instead of anchoring me down you put wings to my voice and my acts and I felt like the luckiest person alive just because I was with someone like you, and in the end it's my who ends up crying, unable to stop your own cries and calm down your fears, because I can't help you, I can't help me.

You're anchoring me down.
I'm anchoring me down.
 
 
 
ななみ: He's the man.misosiru on February 24th, 2011 06:39 pm (UTC)
fdjsklfsdjalfjaklf I love this. I love it, especially because it's so...so...pure?

watching someone you love wither and change for the worst must be painful. this fic made me think of that. whats worse is that you can't break the chains that ties you to that person.