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15 November 2009 @ 04:39 am
Title: Mild Seven Lights
pairing: non explicit kaoru&toshiya
rating: Hard R, pg-13?
words: 4979
disclaimer: not mine.
summary:[...] He anyway took two cigs from his pack and lighted them, handing one to Toshiya who took it with shaky hands. "You always hated my brand, but you still smoke it sometimes..." the older sad, before giving a long drag from his own cig.

"It brings me good memories." the younger plain said, starting to feel really tired and drained.[...]

The morning light entered into the bus, into his bunk, burning directly his eyes. He felt drained. Dry lips, swollen eyes, huge headache and all his body hurting like hell. With a groan he blinked and moved, to see that he fell asleep with his clothes on which smelled like alcohol and smoke, and facing the fact that he didn't remember too much about past night.

He finally got up and move, with slow and clumsy steps, to the kitchen.

He needed an aspirin, water, a cig, anything that could rid apart that horrible headache; they had a concert that evening and also an interview and some photoshoots, and that mere thought made his head hurt more, he suddenly felt so old and tired. When he finally arrived to the kitchen he found kaoru there, sitting at the table and talking by phone, holding a coffee cup in his hand. He didn't wave as a salute or mutter a 'good morning', he just moved to get a coffee to himself and tried to ignore the sounds that left kaoru's mouth, that were mostly like 'me too, baby' 'yeah, you know me too' or 'i'll be back at home soon', but they were a bit hard to ignore them, they still hurt him and made him feel bad.

Taking his blue cup from some drawer, he served himself a coffee, looking for the other drawers in case he could find an aspirin or anything similar, not finding any, he took kaoru's pack of cigarretes and lighted one of them, leaving the silver zippo next to Kaoru's hand who was still talking by phone. He did take a long drag of the cig as he sat down in front of the black haired guitarrist and sighed, staring at the cancer stick between his fingers. 'Mild Seven Lights' could be readen in golden cursive letters as he moved the cig between his long fingers. He always hated that brand, was way too hard for himself and he ended up with throatache if he smoked more than two cigs in the same day. Strong and masculine, it was just so different from the brand he used to smoke, but he forced himself to miss it and even to buy it just to light a cig and remember the smell, to hold close the memories that 'mild seven lights' and his essence brought to him.

When he was sipping his coffee for first time, kaoru finally hang up his phone and stared at toshiya with cold and hard eyes for a few seconds, finally talking.

"You look devastated..."

Said in his soft and cold tone, taking a cig from his pack and lighting it, his gaze never leaving the younger one.

The other just giggled and the smoke left his mouth slowly and answered back "Good morning to you too, Kaoru!" grinning.

Kaoru just rolled his eyes and sighed "It's not fucking funny, Toshiya... it's not any joke. Are you going to stop one day? You look fucking horrible and tired and we have a concert this evening, you know. you remember??" he growled hard, taking an anger drag from his cig "you fucking do? We didn't come here to drink, or smoke, or get drugs or being at parties all day, we have responsibilities..."

The brown haired man frowned, he could understand why kaoru was so angry, because since all the family values started Die and him were partying too much and were far from being responsible but he didn't understand why kaoru did explode like that, in that moment and just to him. "ey! calm down.. okay?" he sighed "I understand you're angry but it's not my fault... you know? and what about die?"

"You don't fucking understand..." kaoru mumbled, even so low that was barely audible "I don't know where the fuck die is..." He said again in his normal voice, sounding totally defeated at the situation he was facing "He brought you here tonight.. around.. dunno 5 am or so... He left you here because you were so drunk you couldn't stand up by your own. I tried to ask him what did you take, or what the fuck you did, but he just laughed and left, saying that you were okay." Kaoru started to rub his temples when a second cig was on his lips, ready to get lighted. "You were fucking unconscious, toshiya..." he whispered, his face half hidden because of the hair, the smoke and his hand.

Suddenly the whole room was silent, like everything was passing too slow or the time had just stopped. It was like that for what it looked like minutes or even more, toshiya's time perception was suddenly out of order. He just could focus on kaoru's words and kaoru's sudden worry. He felt the guilt and the headache pumping hard into his temples and forehead, trying to remember what he did last night he just couldn't remember too much. He remembed Die, Shinya, some guys from other bands and himself, but his mind was a blur and was full of black holes.

When he was trying to fins some apologetic words to say, Kaoru masculine voice sounded again "I know that you two love this, that you two have no worries, no responsibilities, no girlfriend... or boyfriend" kaoru's world sounded like slurred then "But you're getting too far. You're old enough and I am just a friend and your band leader, I am noone to say what you should do, or should not, but just stop it before it gets too far... too much that you could regret" and with that he got up and left the kitchen not even giving Toshiya the chance of answering.

Toshiya just stood there, sitting at the table. His coffee getting cold and his cigarrete consuming slowly in the ashtray, his mind recalling again and again kaoru's words. Feeling even more guilty because of kaoru's worry. He hated that things were so complicated, he hated kaoru's young, beautiful, sweet and caring girlfriend that was fullfilling kaoru's needs when he couldn't. He hated that fact that he wasn't needed anymore, that were no more hidden kisses when noone was looking, no more cellphone calls at undecent hours, or told confidences while sharing beers.
He didn't feel jealous, mostly because Kaoru and him had never had a serious relationship and he just didn't have the right to feel jealous but he felt totally alone. He missed kaoru much more than he thought he could do, much more than he could admit or say to anyone. When Toshiya felt his own eyes watering, he heard steps and, inmediatly thinking that it was kaoru; he hurried to wipe the tears off, finally hearing a cheerful voice.

"Ey~Totchi!" It was Die, who was serving a coffee's cup right then, sitting on the place kaoru was before. "Something wrong?" He talked again, grinning.

Toshiya looked up at the red haired guitarrist, surprised with the fact that Die didn't look even half horrible or devastated as Toshiya was. His hair was a bit messed up, there were black bagges under his eyes, but nothing really bad, the brown haired bassist answered "Kaoru is angry..."

Die's eyes rolled and chuckled a bit "That fuckin' old man he really should.." But before he could go on and finish toshiya's soft voice interrumped him.

"He's really angry, Die.." he said in a whisper "He told me you brought me here because I was really, really drunk..." Toshiya looked up at his friend, trying to look for any kind of worry or answer, but the only thing that came from die was another chuckle.

"Well... you drank too much tonight.. but nothing really bad, I mean, I don't know why kaoru is this angry and I don't know why you look so sad and worried..."

"He told me I was unconscious" came the short answer from the bassist's lips, looking to the older man, who was highly suprised then.

"Oh..." He rubbed the back of his head with his hand, trying to look for some answer. "w-well... The most important thing is that you're okay right now, don't drink that much tomorrow and everything will be okay..."

Toshiya nodded, but he couldn't forget kaoru's words. "I know die, but... we are getting too far, aren't we?"

"Maaaaaaan...!" He said taking a cig from Kaoru's package, which it was left there and grabbed the silver zippo as well. "Kaoru brainwashed your mind!! We are just getting some fun... Sure we are here to play and promote ourselves in that metalish yankee world kaoru loves but that doesn't mean we can't have fun!" He said while lighthing his cig slowly, giving a long drag, ready to talk again when he blinked and grabbed the cig, reading the brand "Mild seven lights? Why are you smoking this? It's Kaoru's brand and you hate it."

"Are kaoru's... he... left them here..." he said, still looking down and clingin to his cup "And Die.. I-I don't know, I don't want the others to worry like that. I don't want to pass out or be unconscious just because I can't control myself.." He finally said, taking the cigarrete from the ashtray and giving a last and long drag, then trashing it. "I don't want our concerts to sound like shit just because of my fault..." he admited finally.

Rolling his eyes, he took a long drag from his cig "you're doing nothing wrong, Totchi." he said while offering a sweet smile to the other. "Don't torture yourself like this, our concerts are going well and you're doing an amazing job. C'mon kaoru is even taking you to tv shows, that's because people love us ne?" Toshiya couldn't help but smile broadly and nod, die was right at that. Complaced by that smile, the guitarrist trashed his cig and got up. "Kaoru wants to tell us something, so just finish and go to the, well, mainroom" he said with other giggle. "I don't know what is about." and with that the redhaired left the kitchen.

Frowning a bit, toshiya ended up shruggin'. Probably kaoru was so pissed off about die's and his' behaviour that he was going to talk seriously to all of them. Grabbing kaoru's cigs and lighter, he walked to the kitchen finding everybody there, sitting at the couch and kaoru in front of them with a very serious expression. Not saying anything he handed the pack and lighter to kaoru and sat down next to kyo on the couch. He stared at kaoru who was lighting a cig and waited for him to talk.

"Well, you're probably thinking why I want to talk to all of you and so on. But first it's not anything wrong. People here adores us and noone is going to die or anything like that." The leader joking, making all his band members choking into tiny laugh sounds. "No, really" the older of them went on. "I just have something important to say and you're the ones that should know this first." He said, looking directly at toshiya's eyes, who smiled faintly at the leader. "Ryoko and I..." he started, his voice turning into a softer tone, smiling. "Well, to make things short. We are going to marry when we return to japan." Toshiya's eyes widened so much and the whole world felt like it went slow. He could see how Die hurried to hug kaoru, and how Shinya and Kyo were next to the older, hagguing and patting the other and just enjoying the new Kaoru had just told them. The bassist didn't know how he got up, walked to the happy trio and gave kaoru a light squeeze on his shoulder, as a 'congratulations' not really being able of saying any word.

When the congrats and other affections were over, Kaoru smiled at his bandmates, complaced by the fact that they were okay with his wedding and his decision. He kept talking, saying that no matter if he was married, nothing was going to change, his attitude, his work and dedication towards the band. He gave a few more details about the ceremony and spoke about how excited and happy his whole family was, especially his two younger sisters and that he expected to see all of them there.

Finally the older stirred himself and gave the others a more serious look. "We have a radio interview in a few hours, so just take a shower, change or just relax." He said, receiving a nod from all his bandmates. "Inoue-san will be waiting for us at the MTV bands area, at 2 pm." He finished, grabbing his phone and leaving the bus.

Not saying a word, Toshiya got up and went to the bus' bathroom, closing the door and leaning against it. 'He's going to marry...' he thought to himself, kaoru's talking was hitting him like a in his forehead. He felt his eyes red and extremelly hot, and finally he felt them wet. He let his face bury into his bony and big hands and he kneeled down, still leaning on the door. Feeling the first tears falling down his eyes, he chocked into a silent sob.

It was still early, not even 1 pm, but Kyo was just so bored to stay in the bus more time. It's not that he didn't like being at USA and all that stuff, it's just that he didn't like to spend his time with the other groups and so on. Mostly because of the language barrier, even if Die was always there with his perfect english or even Toshiya if he needed to say anything, but he just didn't want to. He was kinda antisocial and missed being at home watching star wars movies. Walking to the MTV area Kaoru told them to wait, he passed next to a few bands which greeted him, the blonde respondin' them with a tiny a smile and a nod from his face. Finally he found the MTV area and saw kaoru sitting there, next to their traductor, smoking a cig and laughing. When Kaoru looked up and saw the other, the traductor excused himself and left the area, giving space to the blonde one to sit next to Kaoru.

"Ey engaged man." he joked, grabbing a cigarrete from himself, sighing. "Man, I am running out of cigarretes, If we have to stay here for more time I will have to smoke toshiya's, that psycho brought like a million of packs here..." he said before lighting the cig.

Laughing at the comment, Kaoru moved his hand to kyo's hair, ruffling it, even if the blonde hate it when people touched his hair like that. "We will be in tokyo in less than a month, so don't worry."

Giving a long drag from his cancer stick, Kyo stayed quiet for a few seconds. He was the only person of the band who knew about toshiya's and kaoru's... affair, relationship or whatever it was. He accidentaly saw one of the 'secret' kisses the guitarrist and the bassist used to share when they thought noone was looking and Kaoru had no choice but tell him about what was going on. Kyo was slighty worried by Toshiya, his reaction towards Kaoru's marriage was normal, and if the tall bassist was suffering, Kyo didn't really realise about it. But what he knew is that the other was suffering and he didn't like kaoru's marriage at all. "Toshiya locked himself in the bathroom." He commented, with a neutral tone, his gaze unfocused, not really looking at kaoru neither to anything else. "When I left the room he was still there."

The taller guitarrist sighed, his hands hurried to stroke over his temples. There was the thing he scared the most about telling the others about his marriage. Toshiya. They didn't have a confirmed start, as a relationship, nothing was real; so the way they had to end it was kinda... undecided. Kaoru just didn't need Toshiya anymore. It started by not answering his calls at the middle of the night, went on by leaving his copy of keys on Toshiya's bag before the bassist left the study also asking the bassist to give back to him their own; and it finished by introducing Ryoko to the others as his girlfriend six months after their last time he sleeped with the other. He knew he acted wrong, even if they didn't share anything serious a formal relationship, it wasn't a good way to finish everything and that probably Toshiya had been suffering and hadn't forgotten the other. But he can't do anything against it. He sighed and closed his eyes for a second, then giving a long drag from his cig. "Toshiya's an adult person, he will get over it and being there for the interview. Don't worry."

Choking into a laugh, Kyo couldn't help but shook his head. He always found funny how kaoru tried to mask his personal problems behind work ones. Staring at the other he simply said. "I don't care a fuck about the interview. You know why I am telling you this." He said with other drag from his cig. "Maybe you should have told him first about your wedding, he was shocked and kinda hurt, not matter how hard he tried to hide it."

With other sigh, kaoru's face turned serious. Kyo was right, he should had told toshiya about his wedding, just told him before and let the other say to him whatever he wanted, but he more or less didn't have the guts to do it. His relationship towards toshiya since they stopped sleeping with each other, almost a year and a half ago now; had nothing to do with the feelings, he didn't talk about Ryoko, Toshiya's relationships, if they had; or any kind of feeling they had or shared. Was more or less like a taboo, something the two of them never dared to ask about. "I know. But could it have change anything?" He said with a tiny sigh. "I love Ryoko and I am turning old, Kyo..." he said choking. "I want a family, I want to come back home, open the door and find someone who's waiting for me inside, and not, someone from my same band."

Waving his hand, Kyo really didn't want to hear all that. He was a bit against to any relationship, no matter gay or heterosexual one and if someone would ask him being honest about kaoru's wedding, he would say that he didn't approve it. He just shook his head. "I know you want to get married, have kids and blablabla. But you should not be telling this to myself, tell this to Toshiya ne." and with a pat on kaoru's knee, Kyo got up and walked towards Die, who had just entered to the MTV area with Piggy and 6 beers cans.

Leaning against a bus, at around 3 am, not even knowning from which band was, Kaoru felt terribly dizzy. He had been conviced by his bandmates, mostly and to be honest was Die the one who conviced all of them, including Kyo; to drink and stay at night with Piggy and the other guys from the bands. There were so many drugs and so many alcohol that Kaoru didn't even remember how many beers he had drank, and he thanked god that he had the common sense to say 'no' to any drug the other's had.

He, anyway, felt terribly happy. He stared at his friends partying with the other guys from the groups, with a huge smile on his lips. Kyo and Piggy were talking and drinking a beer, leaning against other band's bus. Die was being recordered by a video camera and Shinya was next to him laughing. And Toshiya... Kaoru blinked. Where was Toshiya? He tried to look for him between all the other's body frames but the bassist wasn't there. He was easy to recognize. Tall, thin and lookin like a 19 years old korean boy, with that cute and blonde, curly haircut. Definetly, Toshiya wasn't there. The leader felt scared, since his annoucement of his wedding, Toshiya hadn't said a word, not even in the radio interview and at the 'party' he had made nothing but drinking, smoking and drugging himself. Leaving his beer on the floor and walked around, he decided to look for the other, thinking that probably he just needed fresh air like himself.

Panting, his arms resting on an unknown band's bus and with frustrated tears running down his cheeks, Toshiya hadn't felt this sick in ages. He had just thrown up several times and obviously his throat was burning, the whole world seemed unfocused to him and his body ached with each move. He drank too much, he took so many drugs that he just needed some rest. He had tried to come back to their bus, but he couldn't even walk alone and he was kinda lost, so he just stopped himself at the first bus he had found and it was when he just felt too sick he had to throw up.

"Toshiya!" Kaoru said when he saw the other leaning against their bus. He seemed really sick, there was vomit a few meters next to him. The older sighed and walked a bit closer to him, he wanted to help but he wasn't sure about how he should.

Heard his name, he spent a few seconds to notice from who was the voice and his eyes widened at the knowledge that it was Kaoru's voice. Wiping his tears with the back of his hand and trying to stay calm, he turned around and greeted the other with a fake huge smile. "Ey, Kaoru~" He said before trying to stay up, failing miserabily, stumbling forward.

Drunk but still concious, he catched the other into his arms before he could have hit the floor. He could feel the other's panting against his skin, his strong smell of alcohol, smoke, and god knows about what more. He couldn't help but hug the other and sigh. "Why are you doing this to yourself...? I just, don't understand." his tone was sincere and calm, soft, worried.

Toshiya chuckled and panicked because of being held by Kaoru, of being that close to him. He almost didn't remembered kaoru's smell, his fresh cologne, his scent of 'mild seven lights' against his skin, his voice. He wanted to spend more time between the other's arms but he hadn't the strenght to do so. "I'm fine!" he said, trying to sound cheerful, but sounding just drugged and drunk. "I was trying to find our bus but I got lost, just that."

Rolling his eyes, kaoru growled. "This is our bus, Toshiya." He said with a hard tone, seeing how the other looked at the huge bus next to them, exploding into a stupid laughter, toshiya's stupid laugh. Then kaoru's anger dissapeared when he noticed that he didn't remember the last time he saw Toshiya laughing like that. "You never laugh like this anymore." he said looking directly at kaoru's eyes.

Stopping his laughs and chockin' into a 'tsk' sound, Toshiya moved from Kaoru's arms breaking their hug and walked around the bus, trying to find the door. "Piggy and other guys from the bands told me it's a very ugly sound and that it annoyed them, so I created a new laugh for myself" he said finally with such a dark tone, finding the door and opening it. "Thanks for finding the bus for me Kao" he slurred, not even noticing that he had called kaoru by the nickname he gave the other in their 'intimate' times. "I'm sorry I can't go on with your wedding celebration, but I have no body to, have fun by the way." and with that he dissapeared, entering into the bus, looking for his bunk.

Kaoru followed the other, he knew it was going to be a coward to tell toshiya in a situation like that but he wasn't going to be able of carrying the guilt if he didn't tell. "Toshiya..." he said looking for the other, who was walking aimlessly around their bus. "Listen, I am sorry about, well... I don't even know what I am sorry about." Toshiya laughed again and didn't even turn around, he still walked around 'till he found his bunk, which sadly was the one next to kaoru. Removing his tshirt, he let himself fall on the bed, feeling exhausted, dizzy, old. He groaned and felt tears into his eyes again. Kaoru had followed the other and now was leaning agains the bunk's door, seeing Toshiya's naked chest, moving up and down quickly because of the pain, he could even see toshiya's tears glowing on his face. "Toshiya, are you okay?" He said, really getting worried about the younger.

Sniffing and scratching one of his arms, toshiya shook his head and moved to sit down. "I-I'm fine, I just need a good sleep." he half lied, smiling at the other. "Do you have a cig?" he asked, not having the heart to look for his own pack, wherever it was.

Kaoru blinked at the request, knowing that Toshiya always hated how his brand tasted, always complaining about how much his throat hurt after smoking it or how bad it did just taste. He anyway took two cigs from his pack and lighted them, handing one to Toshiya who took it with shaky hands. "You always hated my brand, but you still smoke it sometimes..." the older said, before giving a long drag from his own cig.

"It brings me good memories." the younger plain said, starting to feel really tired and drained. The drugs effects were fading and were being replaced by a sick feeling that the blonde haired bassist hated, he moved again and lied on the bed, covering his eyes with his arms. "You can leave, Kaoru, I'm fine." he mumbled, too tired to talk loud.

"good memories..." kaoru repeated in a soft whisper, smiling to himself. He wanted to say something, something soothing, something that could help toshiya, but he knew that he could make nothing. You can't erase memories from someone's mind, as you can't erase feelings. "I'm just sorry, Toshiya...."

Toshiya didn't reply at that, he just kept smoking his cig, 'till he was just too fed up to smoke more and trashed it. He took his pants off and threw them to the floor and covered himself with the sheets. "just leave. Please" he managed to say between tiny pants, feeling hot and just sad. "Please."

Kaoru sighed and left the room, closing the door after it. He didn't have the body to go on with the party so he just moved to his bunk, removed his clothes and re-dressed himself in more confortable ones, huge pants and tshirt and such. He lied on his bed and sighed. He loved Ryoko and the want and the need feeling of a family was stronger that the affection and longin' he felt towards Toshiya. He loved and cared about the other, but he needed the life that Ryoko could offer to him, he just wished and pleaded that Toshiya could move on and forget about Kaoru as soon as he could.

Toshiya's sickness feeling hit him really hard. He knew that it was just a reaction from all the drugs and alcohol, but he was starting to feel angsty. He closed his eyes and thankfully the room didn't start to spin around like mad. he moved his right hand next to his face and the scent of kaoru's smoke reached his nose. In his drugged, sleepy and almost unconcious mind, he felt himself being carried to other times and for a second he saw himself back at Kaoru's home, Kaoru's room, Kaoru's bed. He could even feel Kaoru's breath against him, again Kaoru's smoking brand's scent on his skin. He smiled to himself, ever knowing that he was a dream, for him it just felt real and Toshiya fell asleep.

But it was not a dream. Kaoru just felt too guilty and worried and even if he just didn't and couldn't change his marriage and his feelings toward Ryoko, he just couldn't see Toshiya suffering like that. He entered to Toshiya's bunk and found the bassist with closed eyes, mumbling incoherent words to himself. He got into the bed and held toshiya in his sleep, in his shake and his deliriums. He held him all night, just looking at him, caring for him, drinking from toshiya's look, toshiya's self. When the first morning lighs entered into the bunk, Kaoru hurried to leave, not moving too carelessly not wanting to wake up the other. Before he left, he took toshiya's face in his tiny hands and he kissed the other lightly, leaving the room after it, whispering. "goodbye, totchi."

And again when the light's rays hit toshiya's eyes, he couldn't but groan and whimper, moving on his bed. Blinking a few times before waking up, he sat on the bed. He didn't remember so much about last night and his head hurt like hell. He made a promise, not more parties, neither alcohol or drugs in a few months. He passed his hands through his hair then he licked over his own lips, stopping himself, eyes widening slowly. A wave of a melancolic feeling overtook him, like he could feel in his own lips the taste that 'mild seven lights' left in kaoru's mouth. Smiling broadly he couldn't think of a better or sweeter way to start a day, reminding himself that, the first thing he needed to make when they went back to tokyo was buying a new pack of 'mild seven lights' not to forget that taste on his lips never.