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28 July 2014 @ 10:44 pm
when we were younger and better; a kis-my-ft2 fanfiction  
Title: when we were younger and better
Pairings: none really, yokoo-centric, some yokoo/fujigaya if you squint and some yokoo/nikaido if you squint harder
Rating: G
Words: 4403
Summary: Yokoo doesn't think much about love.
But he does think a lot about him.

Disclaimer: this is a work fiction, i don't own anything but the writing.
kis-my-ft2 belongs to johnny's entertainment, etc, etc.
Comments: i started writing this in the year 2012, probably.
out of a whim because i have a lot of yokoo related feelings because that guy is amazing and his presence on fanfiction seems little? so it was my little contribution to him.
it was supposed to be small pieces of what was of yokoo since the moment he entered into the jimusho until the "right then" of that time, mostly after kisumai debuted.
i fell a little out of the loop of kisumai since then, so maybe i could continue it, but i think it was nice just to post this, anyway.

is not betaed and english is not my first language so i already apologize.
also comments and criticism are welcome, i can't believe it's the first time i am publishing a je fanfic. urgh.

also this is for crazy_otaku911 who encouraged me to write this back in the day. ♡




2001.
Yokoo Wataru is fifteen. Yokoo Wataru is fifteen and he's quite scared and he's not really sure about what he's doing. He's in a room filled with other kids that look his age, or younger, or older; but that they don't look much like they know what they are doing, either. That thought might be soothing enough, but it's really not for him.
He still feels uncomfortable and suddenly he thinks he's too tall and lanky and awkward and blames his brother for sending that application for him, blaming his age or his brother's or maybe starting to get annoyed with the whole world, since he just wanted to come back home and play some football. It was that easy.

But it seems that he's not as too tall and lanky and awkward as he thinks and he's accepted into the Johnny's Entertainment.

And when he tells his family, his brother is the proudest of them all.

*

2003.

I.
Sometimes Yokoo thinks he doesn’t really have a lot of ambitions.

All the kids around him keep talking about debuts and TV Shows and backdancing for their senpais. And when Yokoo listens to them, he shrugs and worries, feeling empty because his mind is not preoccupied about debuts, or backdancing to senpais. He just thinks he’s not particularly good at dancing or singing, or not particularly cute or good with words.

Yokoo thinks that maybe for the best is simply being there, it passes the time.

II.
Surprisingly, he gets into an unit, anyway. And maybe he starts to hope a little, even if he doesn’t want to think about debuts, Yokoo is hoping a little. Because not everyone is set into an unit, and somehow, he likes his.

But then Koyama calls him and he knows there’s something wrong with him. Because he’s not as bubbly and he’s too serious, as he finally blurts it out. “Remember the volley thing? Kato and I, we’re picked as members of the newest debut unit.”

The news, not really pun intended, break in, and Yokoo falls silent, even if Koyama keeps taking, and talking, even when Yokoo isn’t really listening to him much. Maybe at some point he hears his laugh, but it’s so far away from him, almost like he’s listening to him through water.

And suddenly he feels like he’s transported again to his school years and it’s Valentine’s day, when he’s fourteen or fifteen. And girls would come to him, offering him chocolate prettily and neatly wrapped and when he grins and wants to thank them, they tilt their pretty heads in confusion and shrug.

“It’s for your brother.”

III.
It’s his official first date since he’s a member of the Johnny’s entertainment even if he doubts it has something to do with it.

She’s the younger sister of a friend of a classmate who is in his same baseball team, and she feels as unfamiliar as all those lose ties between them. But there’s something about her he really likes, he thinks after a while. Something about how long and silky her hair looks, and how her smile manages to be shy but bright at the same time, and Yokoo really likes the way she looks at him, especially when she pretends she’s not doing so.

But in the end, their first date doesn’t follow a second and when he sees her arm linked to another friend from his baseball team about two weeks later after their so first called date, Yokoo doesn’t really care much.

*

2004.
I.
He has twisted an ankle dancing and it hurts like a bitch. He's sitting down in a corner of the rehearsing room with a cold pack pressed against it. It's slightly swollen and angry red and Yokoo just wants to come back home, to his mother to make it better.

He doesn't know, yet, what to think about the new unit. But he thinks that he should be lucky he's in a new one at all.

But when Fujigaya comes over to ask about his ankle and his face twists with worry because it’s so red, and claims a sit next to him, Yokoo thinks he likes this new unit a little more.

*

2005.

I.
After the debut of his former group mates, Yokoo stopped dreaming for a while.
Sometimes he thinks he shouldn't daydream, because it's like juniors shouldn't really have dreams to look up to.

Yet Yokoo can't help himself.

He wonders about what the future might bring to them. He often thinks about their debut, about what kind of idol he wants to be, what kind of idol he would become instead. He likes to think Kisumai will be as big as Arashi, world famous. And he likes to believe he will be a good idol, talented and beautiful and that people will look up to him, as much as he looks up to his senpais.

He likes to play the guitar with the hopes of composing songs one day, and do meaningful solos for their sold out concerts.

And when someone catches Yokoo daydreaming and asks him what he's even thinking about, Yokoo blushes and laughs and waves his hand.

'It's nothing.'
He always says.

II.
Yokoo doesn't think much about love. He always has his head filled with other things, much more important things: Kisumai, football, his family, dance routines, his dogs, Kisumai... Love seems like a complicated and time consuming thing, and complicated is something that Yokoo Wataru doesn't like. He likes tangible things, and it's the kind of person who needs to touch things for being sure they are real, looking at them with his own eyes. He likes that kind of security, and it's the one he's constantly looking for.
Yet love doesn't seem secure at all. It's too flicker, Yokoo thinks, to prone to hurt you, and somehow Yokoo likes to believe he has built a shield against it.

( What Yokoo doesn't know is that said shield can do nothing about certain things.
And that shields cracks, little by little every time there's a brush against his shoulder, or an arm circling against his. Everytime he listens a 'Watta~' out of nowhere.

Yokoo doesn't think much about love.
But he does think a lot about him. )

*

2006.

I.
Everyone seems to have a place, Yokoo likes to believe.

Kitayama even if childish, is a leader unquestionable, and the one who thinks about Kisumai the most, and all of them know that. Miyata might be a joker, but he's also selfless and ridiculously kind and seems to have an eye on the details, always; to the point Yokoo wonders what would be of Kisumai without him. Tamamori is a bit weird, but he's hardworking and endlessly cute, to the point he starts to know what his own brother feels every time he looks at him. Senga is a dance master, and practices would be ten times longer if it wasn't for him, and his patience. Nikaido nags even more than he’s supposed to do and his bratty side is insufferable, but he has a blinding ambition sometimes Yokoo envies, and he’s probably the most hardworking person he has ever met. Fujigaya is a talker, and a charmer and his voice is surely heavenly.

And Yokoo is... Yokoo doesn't know.
He's not much of a dancer, neither much of a singer.
And he's much less of a talker.

And he sometimes feels like a burden, and a waste of space and waking up each morning for going to the rehearsal is the worst of the pains. He questions his decisions and he questions about what he’s doing in the company and the group and everything seems pointless. And in moments like those he gets moody, his sharp mouth a little sharper than it’s necessary.

II.
It’s raining heavily when Iida calls him, to tell him he's quitting the company, and Yokoo starts crying.

Everyone is leaving, or debuting.
And he's still the same.

III.
A lot of times it’s like this. Yokoo is looking at him because he looks so upset, so aggravated by something he can’t really tell what it is. And Yokoo waits, and waits and waits, and thinks which can be a good time for going over there and place a hand on Fujigaya’s shoulder and ask him if he’s okay.

It always happens, when he makes up his mind about going to him and he’s about to get up from his chair, someone else comes to Fujigaya and Yokoo stays there, feeling stupid.

And it happens often that after it, Nikaido claims a sit next to him, and he always has a bottle of tea for the two of them.

*

2008.

I.
Yokoo loves magazine interviews since there's not the pressure he feels back at Shokura when cameras are rolling and he feels a lot of eyes set on him. Yokoo thinks he can relax, and actually talk about what's inside of him.

He likes when interviews get too personal, too, and when they share too stupid anecdotes and stories of their recordings or rehearsals, and when the interviewers look at them like they have lost their mind when they can’t stop laughing and laughing at the memories even if several minutes pass.

II.
And Yokoo likes it when the other members talk about him, and he likes it even more when they say nice things. He didn't know where the mother hen position came from, but Yokoo likes it because it gives him a purpose inside the group, a real meaning for being there.

Even if it's tiring when Tamamori is angry and he gets all indignant and it's impossible to talk to him and Yokoo gets annoyed at him because he just wants to make it better. And when it's almost due for filming and Miyata is nowhere to be seen because he went to visit god knows who. When he worries too much about Fujigaya because he never rests enough and when he want to slap Nikaido and Senga in the face because they are making so much noise after, finally, convincing Fujigaya and Kitayama to sleep for a while, even if it's just a few minutes.

( 'I will always come to you when I need to hear cheering words.'

Nikaido always says to him after he comes asking something, with a slight tone of tease but also with fondness in his voice. Yokoo will laugh at him and say he’s too busy to listen to brats like him, but the reality is that he always listens to him and always has words to say because it makes him feel wanted and needed and truly like he has found a place he really belongs to.

His place inside of Kisumai. )

*

2009.

I.
Yokoo is calm and collected and most of the people who know him say that he's too mature for his age. Too serious. Too stoic.

Always seeming to melt against the background, painfully quiet.
Giving a shoulder to cry on when needed and a piece of advice when the others come to him.

But quiet, shy and mature Yokoo has a temper, and Kisumai knows that much. They know its bad news when Yokoo is too quiet, when his eyes are too narrowed and he doesn't laugh at Miyata's lame jokes. They know he's the first one to snap when angry, and that he can be snarky and his tongue can be too sharp to the point of being hurtful.

And he's just so frustrated and he feels so old and it's one of those days Yokoo wonders if there's any point in it anymore.

'We're going to be back dancers, forever.' He mutters through gritted teeth and teary eyes, after he stormed off from their green room, huddled down against a wall, with his knees pressed tightly against his chest.

II.
He doesn't look at the phone when he picks it up and he expects either to listen to his voice, or his mother's when he mumbles a hello.

"Yooko-chan~"

Koyama's voice is bright and cheerful as it usually is, and Yokoo is grinning almost immediately, his heart swelling in familiarity and content. "Hey, Keii-chan."

"I'm with Kato, we're about to eat some ramen. Come on and join us! It will be like old times."

Yokoo's face cast down for a second, thinking about Koyama's words until he can hear Shige's voice in the background, followed by his laugh. ‘What have you said to him, he totally died there!’

At that, he laughs and agrees to meet them, but he has a heavy heart.
Things are never like the old times.

III.
It’s a bit of a coincidence that he’s the first to arrive to the rehearsal. It has a lot to do with the fact he woke up a little earlier than usual and he was lucky with the trains, and it made him stand there barely half an hour before their official rehearsal time.

He just sits down on the couch and thinks about keep reading the book he’s carrying around with when the door opens and Fujigaya comes in. Yokoo is happy to see him since half an hour being by himself was boring instead of having some company, specially Fujigaya’s company on top of all, which is much better than any book, but something is wrong when he sees the younger’s face.

His eyes are red and puffy as he has been crying his heart out and before he can ask if something is wrong, the younger idol is throwing himself to his arms.

Yokoo doesn’t know how to react at this, as Fujigaya keeps crying and sobbing and clinging to his body as he’s his most treasured thing, and mumbling things Yokoo can’t really catch. And he thinks about the worst and just holds him close, his hands moving soothingly up and down his back, whispering that things will be okay. But when Fujigaya calms down a little and his mumbling words get clearer, it’s when Yokoo starts seeing red.

Fugijaya’s lover cheated on him. Fujigaya’s lover had hurt him. Fujigaya’s lover was making him cry like this and Yokoo can’t think a moment when he has been angrier. Not even when all the debut opportunities passed in front of his face, not even when Iida quit the company, not even when he lost that important football match back in his first year of high school. None of those events can be compared to the unbearable rage he’s feeling inside of him, right then.

And in the middle of his anger, when he’s holding the younger tight and when he’s whispering into his ear that this too, shall pass, he starts to think about very stupid things.

( I would never make him suffer.
I would never hurt him.
I would never make him cry like this.
)

When Fujigaya is calm enough, his eyes are even reddened and even puffier and Yokoo’s shirt is completely soaked with his tears, he keeps apologizing and Yokoo keeps saying is okay. And Fujigaya smiles at him for first time and Yokoo moves his hand to touch his cheek when the rest of Kisumai enter through the door, cheering and greeting everyone, but immediately stopping when they see their group mate's face and at the first question of what was going on, Fujigaya is crying again.

( And since then, Yokoo does think about love.
He does think about love, because he thinks about him. )

*

2010.

I.
Yokoo often gets mails from him, and most of them are sent at ungodly hours and some of them don't even make sense.

But Yokoo always read them, and Yokoo always, always, replies them.

II.
It’s his first Sunday off in what it seems like years, and he wonders in what he should spend his precious free time on, as he’s simply lounging on the couch of his main room. But there’s a knock on the door disturbing his temporary peace, and when he’s up to open it up, he’s surprised to see a girl with a bright green dress looking at him with a tilt of her tiny head.

His mother explains she’s the daughter of a neighbour, and that they promised they would look over for the day and Yokoo smiles at her, and the little girl smiles back.

Yokoo doesn’t mind spending his precious free time with her, in fact, he likes it a lot. For someone as serious and mature as he is, he really likes kids and gets along well with them. So he spends his free Sunday playing along and reading the little girl fairy tales, and folding origami animals even if his rabbits don’t look like rabbits at all, and the little girl looks at him with a scrunched nose and a giggle 'That doesn't look cute, nii-chan!'

And when they are both too exhausted, they sat on the couch and the girls start drawing. And Yokoo looks over what she’s doing, a bright sun with two faces painted inside of it, and ‘papa’ and ‘mama’ written next to it. It makes Yokoo smile and asks her why she drew her parents inside the shinning sun.

“Because Papa and Mama are the most important people, so they are like the sun.” She explains with all the seriousness a four years old can have. “Who is Nii-chan’s sun?” She asks then and even Yokoo is surprised at how easily the image of Fujigaya appears inside his mind.

III.
Kisumai’s outings are always messy and loud and chaotic, pretty much like how his group usually was.

Senga and Nikaido are still not old enough for drinking alcohol and Yokoo is nagging much more than usual about them not being idiots because the memories of what happened to Uchi are fresh in his sharp mind.

“Wataru~” He has been checking his phone for a second when Nikaido suddenly materialized next to him with a grin that was giving a way how he wasn’t up to any good, and Yokoo was already rolling his eyes at him.

“No way in hell.” He summarizes it up, and in fact he takes the beer he’s being drinking closer to him, in case his words weren’t clear enough.

And Nikaido looks exasperated and groans next to him. “I’m almost 21.”

“You’re just a kid.” Yokoo snorts at him, and just earns another groan from the younger mouth.

“You’re just four years older than me!” He says back, and Yokoo is not sure what he’s trying to point out with that statement.

“And that still makes you a kid.” Yokoo grins satisfied with his answer and with what it seems that is his victory as Nikaido just grins again, and he ruffles his hair.

And they spend the rest of the night huddled together, and Yokoo pretends he doesn’t notice when Nikaido sips from his beer when he goes to the bathroom, and he thinks the younger is the best distraction he can ask for when he comes back, and Fujigaya and Kitayama are giggling and whispering to each other, and no one misses how their hands are entwined under the table.

*

2011.

I.
There's a letter handed to Kitayama and somehow Yokoo gets a feeling inside of him.

And the rest he remembers is a flow of intense feelings and a chorus of ‘Yatta!’ behind him and Yokoo is not sure if he wants to laugh or if he wants to cry.

Because they have finally made it.
He has finally made it.

II.
He decides he's old enough. He's old enough and his group has, finally, debuted and he's officially an adult. And like that Yokoo Wataru decides it's time for leaving home and renting his own apartment. He's thrilled about the idea of having a place entirely for himself, even if his group mates just joke about how he just wants a place where he can be as clean as much as he likes it.

There's a lot of painting and furniture buying and headaches about suitable placing of all his mangas and DVD collections. And there are all the pictures with everyone and his perfectly folded clothes and his labelled boxes.

The day of moving in is long and intense but after everything is over, Yokoo stands up in the middle of his main room, satisfied with the clean but paint smelling room in front of him.

III.
Nikaido is the first person from inside Kisumai who visits Yokoo’s apartment. Is not like Yokoo invites him, it’s more like Nikaido insists and ends up inviting himself more than anything. But Yokoo is always glad of having the younger’s company, no matter his complains.

But Nikaido storms in like a hurricane without almost saying hello, as excitedly as if he is the one who has just moved in. And he wanted to check everything, and moves around too much, and walks into every room and touches everything just to annoy the older boy. And he asks about any stupid detail, and when he’s in Yokoo’s room, and he peeks his head inside the wardrobe, he’s not surprised to find his clothes assorted by colours

“Your bed is too big for just one person.” He says, casually and Yokoo hates that grin.

“What…” Yokoo doesn’t know if he’s trying to avoid things or he just doesn’t want to deal with it, not right then.

“Watta.” Nikaido starts, more serious.

“Don’t.”

“Watta…” There’s a hint of something in Nikaido’s voice that he doesn’t like and his stare hardens as he looks back at it.

“Don't!” He hisses and they both now their talking is over.

It’s awkward for a few seconds as Yokoo looks at the younger boy who is looking down like Yokoo’s apartment floor is the most interesting thing in the world.

They look up at the same time, still saying nothing, even if the words are tingling on the tip of their tongues. Yokoo drifts his eyes away from Nikaido’s face first, and with a small sigh, he turns around and leaves his own room, asking midway if he wants something to drink.

( He’s the second one who visits his apartment and invites himself over with a mail as much as Nikaido did.

'You can come, but my home is a bit messy.' Is Yokoo's reply, but he waits for him anyway.
And minutes later he opens his door, and tells him to come in.
And when the other laughs his heart hurts a little, because he looks beautiful when he does that.

"If this is messy I don't know what you think my room is." He says casually before he jumps on his couch.

And Yokoo can't help thinking Fujigaya fits in there as well as his carpets and chairs and furniture does. )

*

2012.

I.
Yokoo thinks he would have got used to it, by then, but he still hasn't. His group mates still laugh at him when he gets shy and embarrassed every time he gets a compliment, and Fujigaya is always there with a blinding grin to remind him.

'Watta is an idol now, isn't he? Believe it more!'

He always says to him with a laugh and a push on his arm, and Yokoo laughs too even if he looks more embarrassed, but he ends up smiling and nodding at the younger words. Because Fujigaya might be right and he likes it when Fujigaya says things like that, even if he can't quite believe his words, not yet.

II.
There are sometimes that Yokoo gets too insecure and he feels like even after all the wait, he's not worth it. It's like its 2001 all over again and he feels too tall, even if slowly everyone is getting taller than him, he's noticing that; and his limbs are so long, and his body is so scrawny and his dancing is so awkward. And he remembers talking is difficult because he cannot enunciate to save his fucking life. And after all he's not like Ninomiya senpai and his guitar playing is not as skilful, and he hasn't even tried to write a song because he doesn't even know how to play the piano.

And that Kisumai are not Arashi.
Not yet.

And when Yokoo feels like nothing is worth it and he's useless and he just wants to lock inside his apartment for the rest of the decade he goes to visit his parents' house.
And there is like nothing has changed but for good.

And he spends all the time he can there, he plays with the dogs and talks with his father about latest news and helps his mother with the laundry. And she would cook his favourite food and ask about her group with the fondest of the feelings towards them. And his father shows him pictures of his brother's daughter with the pride and love in his voice that only grandfathers can have.

And when the sun is set and Yokoo announces he needs to go, he feels truly happy.

III.
"You're stupid." Nikaido voice comes to him and he raises an eyebrow, jaw tight as he stares at their second youngest member.

"What are you even talking about."

"Don't give me that crap." Nikaido says and throws the magazine he has been reading on the table, eyes set on the older with determination. "You're stupid and you're going to lose your mind, and it's funny how your mouth is so big for giving fucking advices to everyone else, but can't seem to follow them yourself."

Yokoo’s eyes narrow and he hisses before he can even help himself. "Watch it, Nika." He appreciates honesty, even brutal one, especially brutal one; but some matters are harder to listen to than others, no matter if he knows Nikaido wants to help, that sometimes Nikaido is the one who knows him best. “You know I can’t.” He almost growls and Nikaido clicks his tongue and rolls his eyes and gets up from the couch.

"Just think about it, and talk to him. Follow your own words for once."

He watches Nikaido leaving the room and leans against the couch with a heavy sigh.
And his head hurts, because he's right, after all. He's stupid, and he's losing his mind, and he never follows his own advices.

But despite all that, he can't talk to him.